Top Chef
Food Of Love

Episode Report Card
Keckler: C- | 1 USERS: A+
Bye Bye, Turdie
Over at Candice's Secret, Candice dishes up "some crotch" for a few leather-bound bears. It is sort of cute how she's presented the double-layer sponge cake on some red tissue paper as if it were drawer or box liners. Candice tells Madame S, "You could lay on the table and we could put it on you if you want." Gail has a look of forced amusement on her face. She's such a stiff! And not in a sexy way. "Maybe you should lay on the table," Madame S invites her with a raised eyebrow. Brian says he was so confident about his strawberry-apple crisp in a glass because he knows what is hip, hot, and sexy. Does that chyron say "edgy hazelnut cookie" on his dessert title? Oh, good Lord. Colicchio asks Miguel, "Are those condoms hanging out of your pocket?" They are. "I always go into the kitchen protected," Miguel responds. Miguel finishes off his presentation by saying, "Hopefully you had a total orgasm tonight." Gail says, "It wasn't bad." Her lukewarm assessment aside, the guests seem to be lapping it all up. One queen lies on a table while someone else feeds her Miguel's tapioca from a Chinese soup spoon. "Miguel's tapioca"? Ew. And ew again.

While Cynthia explains that her strawberry shortcakes are starting to break apart because they've been sitting too long, Falkner tells her that's the kind of thing she has to consider. Whatever, woman -- there aren't many desserts out there that can hold up to sitting at room temp for an extended period of time. Harold tells Gail that he's focusing on "the sticky element of sex" with a caramelized banana tart, walnut caramel, and frozen buttermilk. Harold tells us he wasn't that pleased with his performance. Gail makes a big show of being unable to cut his pastry with the side of a fork. I will admit that I do that in restaurants because if your tart crust can't be easily broken with the side of a fork, you've overworked the dough. On the other hand, I rarely do it with a plastic fork. Gail tells us that the chefs didn't take into consideration how the food should be handled at a cocktail party. Hmm -- aside from Harold, who else's stuff wasn't a pop-in-your-mouth or scoop-up type of thing? I think Gail is overreaching just a bitchy bit.

RuPaul talks to some guy who is dressed in a latex private's uniform (heh, "privates") and the private says, "I have lube all over me." RuPaul thought he sprayed himself with Pam. Miguel licks Cynthia's face, who acts grossed out. A chick eats Candice's cake, exclaiming, "I love nipples!" Gail asks Andrea why she chose almonds for her dish. "They're good for energy and stamina and that's good when you're thinking about sex," Andrea responds. She started off with a strong, but she should have said, "when you're having sex." Because thinking about it? Eh -- not quite as sexy. However, Gail tells us that the idea of stamina for sex isn't something she found sexy. Stephen explains his "bubbling orgasm" to the Bot. It's apple-celery gelée with pomegranate seeds -- nice mythological touch, though I wonder if Stephen is actually that deep -- with champagne and orchid petals on top. It's really quite visually stunning. The Bot prisses, "It lives up to its name." The guests are asked about their favorite desserts, and they give a wide variety of answers. One queen says, "Well, I don't eat dairy." Okay, those connotations are definitely not sexy. RuPaul tells Private Privates she'll met him at the dumpster. Private Privates looks scared.

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Top Chef




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