Top Chef
Food On The Fly

Episode Report Card
Keckler: A | Grade It Now!
Nuke it Up A Notch

Stephen tells us, "Right when I walked in, I looked around -- maybe there was some sort of wine or some other sort of beverage I could pair with the dish." Dude, it's a gas station. The wine you'd find is most likely either Boone's Farm or MD 20/20. Actually, watching Stephen mince around pairing a dish with Strawberry Hill or Country Kwencher would be pretty fucking hilarious. Instead of an ice bucket, he could serve it in a brown paper bag! Sadly, Stephen was unable to find an acceptable "beverage" so he had to change tact. Candice brags, "This is where me and my girlfriends, like, will hang out, you know, when we're on a road trip out to Vegas. We know what's here, but for the other, four-star, professional quote-unquote chefs, this is a lot more difficult. It's a friggin' gas station!" Okay, first of all, what are you doing "hanging out" in a gas station when you're on the way to Vegas? Just get to Vegas! Second of all, as pompous as some of them are, they are not "quote-unquote chefs." (I can't believe I just put quote marks around "quote-unquote." And again.) They are actual chefs. They're paid to cook in professional kitchens, little girl, and I'm afraid that does actually make them chefs. As Tiffani goes for the donut case, you can hear -- and it's captioned -- Miguel say, "Look at those donuts, baby." Does he think he's Emeril with all this "baby" talk? Tiffani, who sounds like she's caught a cold making her sound even more masculine than usual, tells us that as soon as she got there, she knew she was going to make a Krispy Kreme bread pudding like the one she and her boyfriend make. Sounds better than a Krispy Kreme chicken sandwich. Which is just ew. I'm sorry, I love State Fair food to distraction but white meat and sugar glaze? I just threw up in my mind's eye. Minnesota frickles, on the other hand, are frickin' awesome. The chefs shop. Lisa jokingly asks Andrea how she's "handling it." Andrea's in shock. She tells us, "This isn't where I would shop normally because, you know, there's no fresh produce. I hope I'm not serving it to people I know or like." Back in the gas station, Dave has a little freak out (not a crying jag freak out, just a regular one) near the coffee makers. He's very excited and clapping his hands. I think he grabs a bag of coffee beans. Harold just sort of stares calmly at him, very detached. I do love Harold. In a jumbled mess of words, Dave tells us he was excited about the gas station challenge and it has something to do with college days and white trash. Dave yips, "Yeah! Yeah!" at himself in the candy aisle. In line, Lisa demands of Harold, "Where'd you find that SPAM?" Stephen balances Nilla wafers and other shit on top of a carton of eggs. Miguel gets rung up. We hear Tiffani say loudly, "Oh good, I'm glad you went back after me and got Krispy Kremes and eggs -- that's good for you." Funny, she doesn't sound glad. "That's unbelievable of you Miguel, unbelievable!" Tiffani says and stalks out. Please. While a good one, Krispy Kreme bread pudding is not the most original idea ever. My girl, Paula Deen, did it in season two of her show. Tiffani croaks at us, "A day or two before, I brought up the donut bread pudding. I preferred not to be copied at all, but the copying doesn't scare me, it's just more irritating to me that people can't come up with their own dish." So, why did you bring up the donut bread pudding idea in public? Maybe, in this sort of COMPETITIVE COOKING situation it would have been better to keep your fat mouth shut to avoid this exact issue? Just an idea. Miguel says blandly, "We must have the same ideas in mind." "Yeah, I hit the Krispy Kremes first, bro," Tiffani snaps back. Just because you got your ass there first doesn't mean you have a copyright on the idea. Miguel says to us, "Thank you, Tiffani for the idea, because she brought it back to my mind -- I didn't mean no disrespect." "Freak," Tiffani says acidly over her shoulder in the gas station. Bitch.

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