Top Chef
Guilty Pleasures

Episode Report Card
Keckler: B | Grade It Now!
Cold Stone Chillin'

Colicchio arrives for his Sniff 'n' Sneer and checks in with the Brians out front. Suddenly totally raising his voice to a degree that makes Colicchio sort of wince and take a step back, MALARKEY! explains, "WE WANNA UTILIZE THE RAW BAR DOWN HERE. I'M GONNA BE DOWN HERE KINDA DOING THE HYPING SARA'S GONNA COME HELP ME IT'S PRETTY TIGHT UP IN THERE THOSE GUYS ARE GOING TO BE SLAVING AWAY UP THERE WE'RE TAKING ORDERS DOWN HERE. JUST KEEPING THE PARTY GOING ALL NIGHT LONG." Up in the catering truck, Colicchio says, "So the guy out front -- is he like the team leader?" I just love how he said "the guy out front" because truthfully? Colicchio never knows which Brian he's talking to, either. Tre agrees that Brian's going to hype it up and starts flexing his wifebeater bare arms: "But I think that once they see the guns, they're gonna wanna git back here -- WOOOOO!" Tre proceeds to laugh maniacally and at a really high pitch for him. I had to rewind it five times because it made me laugh so hard. Given how staid and somnambulistic he usually is, I think we're seeing evidence that the MALARKEY! is catching. Colicchio backs away slowly from Team Black.

Over at Team Orange, CJ talks about how Howie has worked at a lot of nightclubs where there were bar menus, so he should know what he's doing. "He was a go-go dancer," Casey laughs. "Yeah, he did a lot of pole work," CJ says, whisking my appetite right away. Can you imagine how slick with sweat that pole would have been? Dancing at Howie's club would necessitate the same tsking signs you see at your gym: "Be considerate: please wipe down your pole. NO ONE wants to slip on your thigh sweat. It's unsanitary and dangerous." Colicchio doesn't necessarily get much of an idea of what Team Orange is cooking and says he'll check back later. In the Sneer, Colicchio wonders who is going to want Brian's raw bar after a night out on the town, talks about how Howie could explode at any moment, and notes how quiet Sara N. is acting.

Team Orange is done prepping, and Sara N. is going to start making her milkshakes. She looks for ice, which spurs a bit of a discussion between her and Howie as to whether or not milkshakes should have ice in them. Personally, I think it's weird to have ice in them and agree with Howie that they should just be milk and ice cream. "That's really rich," Sara N. protests. "That's what a milkshake is," Howie shrugs. Plus, drunk people? Don't care about their calories in that state. They're not necessarily all, "Oh, can I have a skim milkshake?" after they've siphoned eight to ten cocktails in their system and sweated a tenth of them out. Sara N. throws up her hands and says, "They're YOUR milkshakes, so..." Howie corrects her that they are THEIR milkshakes and then tells us he didn't care if she uses ice, but that's not how he makes milkshakes.

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