Top Chef

Episode Report Card
Chuck: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Flop Sweat

The comics arrive and join the judges at the table (Padma, Colicchio, Ted Allen and Johnny Iuzzini) as service begins -- the cheftestants themselves are serving, and immediately after Stephanie reminds everyone to serve "ladies first," they cut to Ted receiving his bowl. Ha. Andrew and Spike, the "vanilla love" boys, ham it up a bit for their presentation of butternut and acorn squash soup with vanilla crème fraiche. They're pleased with what they served and think they've got a chance to win. Ted notices "a little spicy heat coming from something" but isn't sure if it's in the crème fraiche or the whole soup. "The soup," says Johnny. Colicchio comments on the note of bacon -- a "smoky background" -- while Johnny compliments the texture and the bite, while complaining about the largesse of the portion. "I think that vanilla really brings out the love," says one of the Second City women, who clearly stumbled into Chicago from some dopey ashram. Colicchio likes the simplicity and deliciousness, while Padma maintains she'd lick her bowl but for the presence of cameras. Licking your bowl gets resin all over your tongue, silly. "I'd lick all of your bowls," offers one of the Second City gents.

As Jen and Stephanie get ready to serve their asparagus, Jen reiterates the phallic appearance they hope to achieve; Stephanie's confident, but still dislikes "the stupid crouton" with the bad texture. Their "sexy" presentation (which is actually not sexy at all, but does get laughs from the table) of the ménage a trois of orange with goat cheese, asparagus, salad and olive tapenade (which sounds more like a ménage a cinq) makes Spike and Andrew look like demure nuns, as Jen mentions "orange sex-ions" and Stephanie describes using "a nice, long, hard log of aged goat cheese." It looks like they cooked the goat cheese (it's got a golden crust) and placed it on top of everything else, largely obscuring the penile aspects of the hot, plump, firm, glistening spears of asparagus. To enjoy, just dip the asparagus in the orange sauce, and slide it all the way down your throat, then wait half an hour, and pee on your partner.

Everything seems groovy until people actually eat the dish -- it's oily, the bread is too difficult to cut, and I swear Johnny says "I hate biting my food," but I think he says "I hate fighting my food." Ted thinks the ménage "is more of an orgy," with too much frottage happening on the plate. Ashram Lady makes an irrelevant orgy joke, and it's back to the kitchen for Dale and Richard's tofu course. Their last minute prep includes frying eggplant, which Dale's immersed in a "corn starch slurry. It's a Chinese method that I've never seen before," says Richard.

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Top Chef

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