Top Chef
Napa's Finest

Episode Report Card
Keckler: B+ | Grade It Now!
Truffle Pigs

Last week, Stephen was riddled and found to be a non-vintage.

Again, morning dawnzers on the Baker Street irregulars. Harold moans at the camera in his face, "Ohhh, it's too early." He's very cute. That's exactly how I'd react to all those damn cameras. "It's too early and I haven't removed my Breathe-Right, so get outta my fucking face!" Harold tells us he's sad that Stephen had to go, but it was his time. We get some interesting shots of Dave's rather biker-spiky calves as he tells us that when the technology boom "took a dump," he got into the kitchen, so he's a late bloomer by some standards. Too bad Andrea's not around to appreciate the scatological references. On that twelve-year-old note, I think Andrea's next cookbook should be Pooping Your Way to Better Health. Tiffani doesn't care about being friends with everyone else because she's here to play and win. Lee Anne wants to win, and she wants Dave and Harold to go with her to the final three.

Quickfire. Tom, Bot, and Gail are gathered in the kitchen, seemingly sizing up the cheftestants. Again. Some more. The Bot then goes into a subroutine about the win and the prize and the judges and so on. And so it goes and so it goes and she's the only one who knows. Bot announces that the Quickfire is all about junk food. Didn't we do this already? We pan over to see a trestle table groaning with artistically piled plates of corn dogs, Twinkies (the delight of Pakistani dictators), Ding-Dongs (whatever, I REFUSE to call them "King-Dons"), Pop-Tarts, potato chips, fried nuggets of something, Otter Pops, Oreos, Jiffy-Pop (oh so artistically fluffing out from its carefully peeled back aluminum), Salsa Verde Doritos, Funyuns, and pretzels. Harold is pissed, because this is NOT what he is about. The Quickfire is to recreate the junk food and give it their own unique gourmet twist. Whatever, just remake the Ding-Dongs using Valrhona genoise, soft coconut meringue in the middle, and dipped in Valrhona ganache. For a twist, just make sure your Valrhona ganache has some sort of jasmine, green tea, or verbena infusion. Done and done. Bot drones, "This challenge is about taking something from the lowest level of the food chain and elevating it to the highest level." What's the "lowest level of the food chain" crap? Is she calling my Jiffy-Pop a paramecium?

Harold is sent to pick his link from the food chain. He chooses popcorn. Michael Mina supposedly makes a truffled popcorn for their bar. I can make truffled popcorn. Just give me popcorn and I'll add some truffle oil to it, and I won't charge you eight dollars for it, either. Harold confesses to us that he has no idea what he's going to do. "But I know I'm going to take the healthiest thing up there and make something hot with it," Harold goes on, channeling Andrea. Dave chooses nachos. Predictable. Tiffani chooses corndogs. Also predictable. For so many reasons. Lee Anne goes for the hotdog. They have forty-five minutes and the contents of the pantry to work with. Food flurry.

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