Top Chef
Season 1 Restaurant Wars

Episode Report Card
Keckler: B | Grade It Now!
I'm Not Your Bitch, Bitch

Previously on Top Chef, the cheftestants were tasked with cooking for Ted Allen's dinner party in celebration of him. Andrea was sent home, Dave cried, Tiffani was a bitch, Miguel hissed, and it was awesome.

Morning dawns on San Francisco. Tiffani tells us that, "Miguel felt the need to come after [her] for his professional failures." Um, no. Actually, really, no. What Miguel "felt the need to come after" you for was the fact that you "stepped up" to Colicchio and said that it was Miguel's time to go. But hey, it's okay, given your actions throughout the rest of the series, this sort of denial and outright lying from you is no big surprise. Miguel tells us he's "not ready to walk," he's ready to "play harder." Dave tells us he really needs to win the next challenge to get confidence. These morning "reveals" are really sort of pointless and dull in their expositionness. Well, except for the time when Brian said Andrea's ass was "bananas." That was kind of awesome.

They walk into the kitchen for the Quickfire Challenge and are greeted by a smug Colicchio and a Katie Leebot who appears to be on sleep mode. There are piles of vegetables, meats, dairy condiments, and bread of every color spread out on the prep tables. Katie Leebot says that the theme today is business. How is it possible that Katie Leebot made a beautiful cornucopia of so much delectable food so boring? Colicchio reminds us of his many culinary achievements and then segues into 'Wichcraft (which is supposedly opening very soon in San Francisco), his "fast-casual sandwich shop." Colicchio tells them that the task is to create a wonderful sandwich, using anything they see in on the table and in the pantry. "Balance the flavors, just like you would in a regular dish, make a sandwich out of it," Colicchio says. I guess Stephen's up shit's creek with his soupspoons in this one. The winner of the Quickfire will not receive immunity, but Colicchio does have something special in store for the winner. I have to transcribe what he says because it is SO smurfy, "The winning 'wich will be featured on the 'Wichcraft menu when we open here in San Francisco." Okay, Colicchio, I'll give you that as a name for a restaurant, "'Wichcraft" is pretty clever when considering all your other "Craft"-y restaurants. However, using 'wich in everyday speech as though it were a thing to catch on is sort of pathetic. "Stephanie, what do you want for lunch?" "Oh, I think I'm in the mood for a 'wich." No. He was the Earl of Sandwich, not the Earl of 'Wich. Tiffani is grinning so smugly that I just want to take that bowl of tapenade and smear it all over her big face and then melt cheese over it before skewering the whole mess with a big Dagwood Bumstead olive.

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Top Chef




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