Top Chef
Season 2 Finale, Part II

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So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish
Of course, Colicchio reminds them that they are going to need some help in the kitchen, and Mike, Mia, Sam, Elia, Frank, and Betty are paraded out to have their teeth checked and their fetlocks examined. First, the ex-cheftestants are asked to announce their preferred allegiance. Before Colicchio even finishes saying this, Betty starts cackling nastily and even holds a hand up over her mouth, as if that were any way to muffle the noise pollution issuing from her withered lips. In other words, SHUT UP BETTY! Mike: "I wanna work for Eeee-lan, 'cuz we work great together, man, we've always been a great team!" Mia: "I'm gonna mix it up, I wanna work with Marcel. I'm the best prep cook you'll ever find, man, I throw it down!" Choose her, Marcel. Choose Mia. Betty: "Well, I think there's no secret that Marcel and I have had problems from the start. I adore Ilan and I would be thrilled to be on his team." Frank: "Marcel is very talented, I think I would actually like to work with Marcel because I think I need to keep his ego in check and learn him how to talk to people not talk at people." Yeah, you'll "learn" him real good. Hack. Elia: "I don't know. I think I'll work for Ilan. I believe in him." Hmm, somehow "bitch" is an understatement here. Sam: "I don't know -- make it fun I guess, work for Marcel." Betty cranes out of line to make faces at Sam. Go play with a sea urchin, Betty, and maybe your adored Ted Ilan will offer to pee on you. Sam goes on: "I got this far, I can help him." Sam tells us, "On a personal level, we had our arguments before, but I picked Marcel because, for me, it was going to be sort of cool, actually, to see some of the chemical cookery that he's into and I knew Ilan was going to go Spanish, I mean, Ilan always does the same thing. For me, I thought maybe I'd also learn something." Dude, "Ilan always does the same thing"? That's pretty damning! Not that it's going to matter. Marcel chooses Sam. Ted Ilan chooses Elia. Then, while Marcel is deliberating over his second choice, Sam advises, "Pick Mike!" Betty lets out a mocking noise that was halfway between an "eww" and an "ohhh" as she leans over to grin maniacally at Mike. Marcel says, "Mike, man -- bring some camaraderie to the kitchen." "It's on, baby!" Mike announces, then adds more quietly, "It's gonna be fun." Mia is disappointed. Ted Ilan goes for Betty, whose mouth smiles wider than my television screen. Frank and Mia are excused because "[their] services won't be necessary." I'm really sorry to see Mia go. I wanted her to tell us what else she doesn't "give" about.

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Top Chef

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