Top Chef
The Raw And The Cooked

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Keckler: B- | Grade It Now!
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Surfin' So Sorry

Back in the Krapmores, the cheftestants flurry with their food. Betty tells the camera, "I'm keepin' mah fingers crossed, I need to pull something out. I've been on the BOTTOM for way too long!" Betty, we don't need to hear about your sex life. Five minute warning. Okay, and now for the most hysterical part of this episode. We pan over to Michael's prep station where he mutters, "Heeeey, duuddde... watch the table, man." We cut over to Frank the Bullshit (tm abbotrabbit), who appears to be grating something. Michael tells us, "I'm getting to the end, where, like, I'm plating up and Frank's working next to me and he's humping some gorilla on his prep table or something, you know? Shaking everything, it's like a freaking seven-point-oh earthquake. I hope Frank goes home." Bravo's all about equal time, so next we get Frank telling us, "Mike's is definitely a hack. I don't think Mike could cook his way out of a paper bag unless it had French fries with it." Whatever, dude, you were walking around the farmers' market with a black and white composition notebook like some overly-sensitive college coffee house poet. Time's up.

Betty's presents her predictably messy halibut ceviche with a Kyoho grape guacamole. She aspirates oddly and dramatically at the end of "Kyoho." Chef Lunetta thinks it's "interesting." Meaning, "You suck, and this is gross, and my god woman, why are your teeth so big and white?" Betty toots her own wrinkled horns by saying her halibut was beautiful and fresh and she went a step beyond the other cheftestants by not using produce alone. Marcel didn't like Betty's presentation at all. Mia talks about her fresh corn salad with Heirloom tomatoes, chili, avocado, and creamy lime dressing. I really want to go on a whole rant about how there is no meat or beans in her salad, so why the "chili" instead of "chile," because we drew very careful lines in the sand about that when I developed and edited a line of Williams-Sonoma cookbooks, and it actually became a punch line for jokes among the editors. Geeky jokes, to be sure, but still jokes. Why am I not going to rant? Because Merriam-Webster accepts it as a variation on "chile." Not that I put much stock in dictionaries these days, but still. We are given NO reaction from the judges on Mia's dish, so we know she's not going to win. Ted Ilan did a summer squash with tomato sauce and a walnut and almond pesto. It actually looks and sounds really tasty. Chef Lunetta thinks it would make a great appetizer.

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Top Chef

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