Top Chef
Unhappy Customers

Episode Report Card
Keckler: C+ | Grade It Now!
Foaming at the Mouth

Elia gazes over at Betty's empty bed and tells us how weird it was. And by "weird" she means "quiet." Mike's mouth still looks a bit screwed up as he recounts for us that he made Top Chef history by being the first to win both the Quickfire and the Elimination. Elia wonders where Marcel is. "Crying," Michael scoffs. Um, have we ever seen Marcel cry? "I think he's on the roof. Trying to jump," Son of Sam adds. Yeah, aside from Elia? I really don't like any of these people anymore. I thought Son of Sam was cool until he instigated the Frank vs. Marcel Toothbrush Grudge Match, and now he's just being a dick all over the place. Marcel may be annoying and pompous but he sure as hell doesn't seem to instigate much. Instead, he has to deal with a loft full of bullies just constantly piling on. I hate bullies.

On the roof, Marcel tells the cameras that he has no problems keeping himself company and prefers it to that of the company of "some of [his] competition." He calls himself "The Outcast" -- do you think he's mentally spelling that "Outkast"? -- before he launches into a few seconds of unrelieved hilarity. Marcel raps. Or I should say he "raps" because it came off more like slam poetry than anything else. I'm going to have to transcribe it.

"These People: For All the Haters Out There"

As soon as I came to this spot
You started trying to make me out to be something I'm not
It's taken every ounce that I've got
Not to pop you in the face
And you have no grounds to base your accusations off of
Because you're building's built on quicksand
You say my food lacks fundamentals like salt 'n' peppa
And I'm, like, Yo man, whatevah.
[The following is done apparently by memory. He's no longer reading if off his little Sam Spade private eye-issue notepad.] I don't even get stressed
Because I know at the end of the day
My food is fucking soigné.

What more can I add to that? The guy built a rhyme around "salt 'n' peppa"! ["I want to throw him off the roof." -- Joe R] The cameras artistically show Marcel walking away on the roof, saying, "Sheeet" with all the panache of someone whiter than whipped cream trying to speak in Ebonics. Marcel goes back downstairs to the loft and joins the other cheftestants as they head out.

In the Krapmore Kitchens, Padmadala introduces them to Mike Yakura, their guest judge. Those of us who suffered through Chef Yakura last season will remember him as the guy who dinged Harold for his avocado and tuna combo and also delivered the promo-worthy line, "It's a fucking burrito" to Andrea and Miguel during the street cart food challenge. No longer with Le Colonial, Padmadala announces that Yakura is the executive chef of Sutra and Aura. What is with Yakura's HAIR? He's completely bald except for one black snatch of hair at the front of his scalp. And the snatch is slicked back to look like a Mohawk? He looks like a confused Hare Krishna.

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