Twin Peaks
Episode Fourteen

Episode Report Card
2 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Unless General Smarminess Is A Crime

Chez Johnson. Leo comas the place up, sitting alone in a corner. Through the front door walk Bobby (hi, Bobby) Briggs and The Mullet Formerly Known as Mike (or is it the other way around?), and Mike gets real close to Leo and asks, "Hank did this?" Bobby confirms that he did. Bobby begins speeching Leo on the boots he went to pick up, prompting Leo to slam his head against the naughty-rec-room-wood-paneling wall behind him, spit elaborately, and squeak, "new shoes." Bobby leans in, "I know you too damn well, Leo. There's something about these shoes. Isn't there? Huh? There's something with these shoes?" The Once and Future Mullet suggests that something is hidden inside of the boot, and Bobby leaves briefly and returns with a hammer. He slams the heel off of the boot and unearths a microcassette from inside. Leo spits. Bobby implores Leo from the floor in front of him to "stop spittin', man." Bobby stares hopefully at the tape. "It's not money, man. But who knows." One can only hope that when Bobby finally tracks down a microcassette player that he finds the extended dance mix of Hurley and the Hurlettes Star Search submission of "Just You" useful, because heaven help me, I can't even remember what's supposed to be on that tape.

Cooper sits inside the conference room at the Sheriff's Station talking to his sage and trusty assistant Tape Recorder and sitting next to his best friend Tray of Donuts. On the table sit many the scrap of paper, the shredded remains of Laura's secret diary. Cooper tells Diane that the evidence he is gathering from these pages supports the proclamations of the One-Armed Man (because what self-respecting teenage girl doesn't have a diary that includes entries reading, "Geometry is really hard. Sometimes, school can be a total bummer. Other than that, made out with a fetus, walked with fire, ran from BOB who was ingeniously inhabiting my Cheerleading Vermont Teddy Bear, and bought a red velvet hat to top off the midget's already pimpish ensemble"?), adding, "there are intimations of abuse and molestation on several occasions." Tellingly, BOB was described in the diary as being "a friend of her father's." And then there's this: "Someday I'm going to tell the world about Ben Horne. I'm going to tell them who Ben Horne really is." He's…Audrey Horne's father, so it makes total, contrivance-be-damned sense when a knock on the conference room door brings Audrey into the room. She tells Cooper that she spoke to her father, and then goes on to retread the conversation that she had with Ben about sleeping with Laura and owning One-Eyed Jacks. Truman walks in as Audrey asks, "Are you going to arrest him?" Cooper tells her not to say anything and sends her out. Cooper reminds Truman that the One-Armed Man grabbed his arm and fell off his chair "when a certain person walked into the room" that morning at the Great Northern. Without chemicals, he points. Cooper needs a warrant. "A warrant for the arrest of Benjamin Horne." Dun-DUN-duuuuuuun!

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Twin Peaks

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