Twin Peaks
Episode Fourteen

Episode Report Card
2 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Unless General Smarminess Is A Crime

Back in the Palmer House of Lynchian Angles, the phonograph spins, Sarah Palmer crawls along the floor, and she looks up to an empty spot of living room to see a large white horse appear before her in a spotlight. The horse disappears. Close-up on the phonograph. Medium shot on the phonograph. Pan over to a suited Leland primping before a mirror, straightening his tie and preparing to film one of those ridiculously revealing Bravo promos we've talked so much about.

Roadhouse. Hey, who defrosted Julee Cruise from the cryogenic hell she'd gone to? And, um, why? She sings and sings. Over in a quiet nook, Donnna "Hurl, Interrupted" Hayward and James "My guitar only plays umbilical chords" Hurley sit in a booth, moodily. Of course. Donna asks James if he'd heard about Harold Smith, and James pronounces the situation "nobody's fault." Donna thinks he was in pain, and Michael Stipe takes notes from his Athens apartment when James retorts, "Everybody's hurt inside." Sometimes.

Donna watches from her booth as Cooper, Truman, and the Log Lady enter. Julee sings and sings.

James tells Donna that Maddy is going home. Donna finds it strange that Maddy never mentioned it to her. Shot of Cooper's table. Donna's table. Julee's red dress. My nausea and dizziness can, for once, not be completely attributed to the presence of James Hurley. My world is in turmoil. Suddenly, a close-up on Cooper shifts us to his POV and Julee disappears from the stage (not to mention the Roadhouse, my mind, and the national consciousness, all in one fell swoop) and is replaced by My Giant in spotlight, who twice repeats, "It is happening again."

Damn. I'm home alone and all creeped out right now. Why? Try this on. Leland looks in the mirror. The reflection is of BOB. They both smile. Leland's non-reflected face becomes BOB. He laughs. I need to leave now. It's not the best special effect I've ever seen, but it's plenty effective enough for me to say, oh, I don't know, wet myself? Not that I wet myself in horrible, horrible fear. Did I mention I work all alone in my big house? Um. This happened to a friend of mine. I did not just wet my pants. Leland snaps on plastic surgical gloves. Just then Maddy runs down the steps yelling that something smells likes it's burning. She stops at the landing to see Sarah lying on the floor before turning to dear Uncle Leland, who turns back into the demonically possessed version of himself. Maddy screams and tries to make a break, but he grabs her and takes her down in alternating slow (BOB) motion and regular (Leland) speed. But make no mistake about it, they both want her dead. After smacking her around a bit, Leland begins to cry and hug Maddy, calling her "Laura." A lot. BOB kisses her. Maddy bleeds and wails. Leland screams, "Leland says you're going back to Missoula, Montana!" Damn, I hate it when demonically possessed child murderers refer to themselves in the third person. How pretentious. He then slams her head into a large framed picture on the wall, and Maddy drops dead to the ground. Leland picks up Maddy's limp hand and inserts a small piece of paper underneath the nail on the fourth finger. My Giant stares at Cooper. My friend who wet himself before calls his mom and questions the parenting skills that permitted her children to watch this. Poor, poor my friend. The Elderly Room Service Waiter resurfaces out of nowhere and approaches Cooper at the Roadhouse: "I'm so, so sorry." Shots all around the Roadhouse again. Donna cries, Cooper stares, Julee sings, Bobby -- oh, hi Bobby. How are you? Please don't look at my pants. The ones I did not just wet. Sigh.

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Twin Peaks

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