Twin Peaks
Episode Nine

Episode Report Card
Major Problems

Over in Ben's office, the Brothers Horne sit on the floor in front of a roaring fire. The two Packard Sawmill ledgers stand before them, and Jerry is in the process of taking a sharp cutting knife to what appears to be the backside of -- what is that actually? Is that, um, a large hunk of cheese in the shape of a pig? Let's go see! Jerry: "Brother Ben, we've got two ledgers and one smoked cheese pig. What one are we gonna burn? And it ain't gonna be my pig." So there you go. He takes a bite out of the top and looks real satisfied. That pig's good eatin', I guess. Ben stays on business, as usual: "The real ledger shows the mill slowly sinking into bankruptcy, masterminded by Katherine. The one she faked for public consumption shows the mill turning a healthy profit." It would be easy, then, to procure the Packard land for Ghostwood if they burn the real ledger, for which they could snag a better price if it looks as if the land had always been a profitable lot. On the other hand, Ben observes that the real ledger would hold up under any scrutiny that may come its way. Jerry's eyes glaze over with the contented look of the crazy, and I wish someone would take that knife away from his as quickly as is possible, as he responds with self-inflicted hilarity in reporting, "It looks like we're a hundred percent certain that we're not sure!" Ben stands (and displays that his white polka-dotted socks match his tie perfectly) and observes that they have to burn something. So he opens a desk drawer and takes out a bag of marshmallows. Ben expresses unequivocal glee. That click-click-clacking sound you hear is the executive board at ABC, in conjunction with the entire programming department, employing the latest in Smith-Corona Word Processor technology (remember, it's 1990) to prepare yet another memo.

Over at the Double R, Major Briggs sits alone at the counter watching Andy wrestle with 3M's entire yearly production of scotch tape as he fumbles with a large ball of it in attempting to tape up signs sporting BOB's picture and reading, "Have you seen this man?" Through the door walks the Log Lady, whose fifteen minutes of cultural viability ended with a resounding oven timer's "ding" fifteen minutes before the director yelled "action!" She sits next to the major and informs him that the log has something to tell her. I guess she and log are out of mourning for the hundreds of relatives the poor insane person's crutch obviously lost in the mill fire. The log has this to say: "Deliver the message." She asks if he understands, and he responds, "Yes, ma'am. As a matter of fact, I do." Yay. Now, um, Log Lady? Why don't you make like the tree your log once was and...oh, never mind.

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Twin Peaks




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