Twin Peaks
Episode Nine

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Major Problems
t of her sadness and sorrow is that Leo is just not dead enough for her. She asks if he will go to prison, and again the good doctor offers no answers. So Shelley feels forced to pull a Jerry-Horne-in-the-last-scene cheesy-line dispensation, cheesily dispensing, "I guess, at the moment, he's kind of in prison anyway." How "on a very special" of you, Shelley. Tormented that the dialogue has taken such a dire turn from back in the crackling first scene, Shelley begins to cry. Hayward escorts her out, and we zoom to a close-up of Leo's sleeping face, reflected in a mirror. Ooh, the moral complexity! Ooh, the directorial indulgence! Ooh, how the bulk of the audience sleeps right along with him!

Meanwhile, back at the police station, Lucy receives a call from, well, a caller, who wants to speak with the Sheriff but refuses to identify him/herself. Lucy's sorry to tell him/her that she can't connect said caller with said Sheriff if s/he does not identify him/herself. Caller does not. Lucy hangs up. Wow, call screening! I guess switchboard goddess Sylvia Horne decided to show up after all.

Jacks. Over the sound of what we will discover to be a running vacuum cleaner, a shot of man's hands bound in rope cuts to similarly bound feet with red polish on the nails and cotton balls placed between each toe. Out in the red curtained hallway, Audrey looks like the only hooker in the whole of the Pacific coast who doesn't score her Aquanet wholesale or sport outfits with more bells and whistles than a gosh damn Vegas slot machine, as she, sporting the cutest of cute little black nighties, approaches a gloved whore carrying a bucket of ice and offers to "take it from here." Whore II begrudgingly agrees, handing her the bucket and warning Audrey to "watch out for this one." She enters the room and sets the ice on a table, noticing Whore III vacuuming while the bound man lies face up with his hand and feet at the wrong ends of a yellow chaise of some kind. He is bald, he is bound (as previously explored), and he is blinded by a black mask over his eyes. Audrey bargains through gestures for Whore III to take off, and when she does Audrey unplugs the vacuum. Bald Man doesn't like that so much. Audrey leans down next to where the man's head falls on the chaise, and uses the very vacuum cleaner cord she has just unplugged as a suffocating agent as she rips the mask off his eyes. Hey! It's bad bad man Emory Battis, Human Resource agent to the whores from Horne's. He seems to be choking. She wants to know everything, she says, about everything, including "the perfume counter, Laura Palmer, Ronette Pulaski, and One-Eyed Jacks." Emory pronounces Audrey "insane" (insane, I muse? Look whose toe polish doesn't even come close to matching the stripes on his robe. Who's insane now?), and she makes sure to maintain that "one clunker line per scene" quota this episode seems to be setting up for itself with the liberating -- but with a kind of Charlie's Angels faux-feminist (hey, what's THAT word mean?) kind of liberation borne of both the surrounding context of dominant male paradigms in which women must live their lives, as well as the scourge of increasingly inane dialogue -- "I'm insane? Well I'm Audrey Horne, and I get what I want!" Oy. He tells her that he works for the owner of One-Eyed Jacks, who Audrey guesses is her father. Emory recruited Laura and Ronette through the perfume counter (knew that), and Laura came to Jacks only once before being thrown out for using drugs (didn't know that. Also didn't know that high-class Canadian brothels had more stringent drug-testing policies than Major League Baseball, but I digress). Ben knew she was there, as he has a habit of "entertaining" all the new girls when they arrive. Through the shackles, Emory finishes, "Laura always got her way. Just like you."

A slow-jams version of Sassy Shuffle serves as the first non-subtle "time for some new material" reminder from David Lynch to Angelo Badalamenti, as Shelley and Bobby sit in a car listening to the music, when Shelley suggests that they "change the station." She does, Sassy Shuffle cuts out abruptly, and some hot jazzy number kicks into gear. Ouch! Extra-diagetic dis from the man in hot! And I thought he was just a pretty face. Turns out he can also see -- and deconstruct -- the fourth wall at his own will. Bobby kicks the plot into red: "I made the call. I told them I was Leo's cousin. Leo gets his disability as long as he stays out of prison. That's a lot of money, Shelley, over five thousand a month. But you only get it if he stays at home." Shelley protests, telling Bobby that she does not want Leo at the house ever again, but Bobby slowly lures her to his way of thinking with promises of all the pretty things they could get in their "new way of life." She's convinced: "Together." Smacky kisses ahoy.

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Twin Peaks

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