Twin Peaks
Episode One

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Something's Fishy

Audrey approaches the table and introduces herself, setting into motion a round of stylized and extremely skillful flirting on both sides. She asks if she can sit at his table, and Cooper tells her that if she is in the same Horne family as Ben, the owner of the hotel, she can pretty much sit anywhere she darn well pleases. But he does take pains to go on, "I'd also like to add it would be my pleasure." She sits, and the conversation quickly turns to Laura Palmer's death. Cooper asks if Audrey was friends with Laura, and Audrey pauses for a spell before volunteering that Laura tutored Audrey's brother: "Johnny's twenty-seven and he's in the third grade. He's got emotional problems. It runs in the family." Unable to shift the conversation ever so slightly away from the numerous symptoms and manifestations of the chemical imbalances of the Nut Family Horne, Audrey instead opens her mouth and lets forth the sentence, "Do your palms ever itch?" Cooper regards her curiously, but it's plain to see he's loving it. Package that kind of crazy and have it flash that smile every once in a while, and you'll have men lining up around the Great Northern to help administer Audrey's multiple IV dosages of Zoloft whenever such assistance should find itself required.

Over at the Sheriff's Department, Cooper enters to discover Andy, Lucy, and Truman in the middle of their morning donut-scarfing ritual. In the conference room, Cooper starts right in on the business at hand, telling Truman he's "got the rest of the day mapped out." He wants to interrogate "Be My Little Baby" Bobby and then have a little chat with "Rock-a-Bye Pre-Baby" James, run a test on Bobby's car, and various and sundry other little items to which Truman cannot respond through his donut-stuffed mouth. Cooper flies through the rest of the plans, ending said speech with, "Let's meet back here in three minutes. Harry, I have really got to urinate." Cooper departs and Harry chews and chews and chews, finally swallowing the donut.

Post-bladder-relief and post-excess-pastry-consumption, Cooper and Truman rest comfortably in the conference room while Doc Hayward brings them up to date on the findings in Laura's autopsy. Time of death is estimated between midnight and 4 am, she died from loss of blood as a result of numerous shallow wounds, self-inflicted bite marks on her shoulder and tongue, she had been bound at the wrists and feet, and she had sexual relations with at least three men in the final twelve hours of her life. Hmmm -- I don't know, natural causes? Wait, probably not, because Ronette Pulaski had been assaulted in the same exact fashion. The good doctor reflects again on "who would do a thing like that?" Cut to Leo "Hey, I Would Do a Thing Like That" Johnson working in his truck. Shelley "I'm Scared of You 'Cause the Script Says It Is So" Johnson emerges from the house and tells him she's leaving for work. Leo attempts to method-act his way into a "taller and less bald than I really am" frenzy in an attempt to inspire fear in pretty much anyone, but as I said last week, I remain unconvinced by his ostensibly sinister characterization. He hands her a large bag of laundry from within the truck and insists that she do it "now, Shelley." She walks over to the washing machine outside the back door of their house, and discovers a bloody shirt that she holds up and helpfully announces is "bloody." She stuffs the shirt into the drawer of a bureau next to the washing machine as Leo storms out the back door and tells her that Norma has come to pick her up. As she attempts to make her way past him, Leo does in fact achieve a supreme level of intended creepiness as he grabs Shelley's cheek and scolds so subtly, "I might stop by the diner sometime today. Be a good girl and save me a piece of pie." She looks back his way, a look communicating "I will save you a piece of banana cream shards-of-glass pie and a tall, refreshing arsenic shake, so don't even fuck with me" glance only true Shelley fans such as myself (clearly, Leo is not one) can successfully discern.

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Twin Peaks

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