Twin Peaks
Episode One

Episode Report Card
Something's Fishy

Back in the conference room, Cooper is going tough but fair on James, perhaps still feeling out whether Slater Fetus should be tried as an adult, a youth, or if the entire criminal investigation against him should just be, um, aborted. Cooper begins by showing James the video of the Laura/Donna picnic, and James admits that the ubiquitous motorcycle is, in fact, his. Cooper wonders how James thought he could keep his relationship with Laura secret, what with Laura being the homecoming queen and the girlfriend of the captain of the football team. James looks sullen and evasive, Cooper seems poised to change approaches and become combative in the same way he approached last week's interrogation with Bobby, and I take this opportunity to briefly pause the tape and volley the following exchange at the screen:

Cooper: Don't lie to me, kid. I wasn't born yesterday!
Slater Fetus: I can't lie to you, sir. I haven't been born yet at all!

Damn, I'm clever. Good thing more disciplined, better-written heads prevailed at Lynch/Frost Productions, and Cooper remains composed in asking James if he knew that Laura was using cocaine. The fetus did know, but he tried to get her to stop. And according to his report, she did so for a while. But then "something happened a couple of days ago." Genuinely interested, Cooper perks up and asks what happened, but James says he only knows something scared Laura into not wanting to see him anymore. James briefly recounts the story he told Donna about Laura jumping off his motorcycle the night she died. Cooper produces the half of a gold heart recovered at the crime scene. He opens the diary recovered from her room and asks, "What happened on February 5th, and who has the other half of this heart?" James looks down at the desk despondently as if to communicate the reality that on February 5th he was trapped in the first trimester, lacked long-term memory function, and was the size of a peanut. In fact, the only similarity between the Slater Fetus of late March and the Slater Fetus of early February is in his continuing ability to make the people around him experience morning sickness and other various types of pervasive nausea. But in reality, James does have a mental image of February 5th, and through a hazy flashback we discover a pre-dead, wholly un-purplish Laura telling James that she's so happy today because "I really believe you love me." She continues, "Now my heart belongs to you" as she breaks the telltale heart and hands half of it to James. Back in the conference room he looks up through weepy eyes, and as the musical theme Sad Strings plays in earnest, James begins to cry. Then he utters the outright lie, "I don't know" anything about February 5th. Wah, wah, Mr. Sad Biker guy. I thought a fetus of your age couldn't even cry successfully until you were actually born and someone slapped you in the ass. Not that I'm volunteering.

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Twin Peaks




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