Twin Peaks
Episode One

Episode Report Card
Something's Fishy

Uh-oh. Grab your remote and locate the "volume down" button, the "off" button, and the "excise this mad spooky shit from my mind forever, please" button, as you will need them all to plow through the next two minutes of freak-ass screen time. And while you're at it, move your couches as far back from the television set as the space of your home allows (do you have a lawn? You'll be able to hear it from the lawn. Damn you, I want a lawn). You've been warned. We're inside of the Palmer house, in the first of a series of scenes that forever altered my preadolescent concept of "nightmare" and relegated "The Falling Dream" and "The Naked in School Dream" and even "The Ambiguous Boogie Man in My Closet Dream" far, far down the list of childhood neuroses that plagued me in the hours after the sun went down. Leland approaches a comatose Sarah, sitting on the couch, and tells her that Donna has come to see her. On his way out of the room, Leland suggests to Donna that she "try not to upset her." Hee hee hee. I'm sure Donna has a very good chance of placating her completely. Donna has come with only the best of intentions, I'm sure, perhaps to offer a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, maybe to offer Sarah a thing or two to eat from the last twelve meals Donna now suddenly sees fit to forgo. A maniacal Sarah tells Donna four times with increasing amounts of dementia that "I miss her so much," before looking at Donna's face and seeing Laura's in its place. She screams and hugs Donna for a moment, until her eyes settle on another presence in the room crouched and lurking behind the couch, a long-haired man with a face so sinister that even if he'd been back there smiling and making funny balloon animals and singing "Puff the Magic Dragon" (never mind, actually. That clownish imagery probably would have made the whole thing even more scary, if this is at all possible), he would never cease to freak me out. Even ten years later. I can't recap this scene anymore. I don't want to talk about it. And I don't want to go to sleep again. Ever. Sarah screams and screams. I think. I'm out on the lawn, remember?

Over at the hospital, Hawk talks to Ronette's parents about the last time they saw her. She went straight from school to Horne's department store, where she worked as a sales girl at (plot twist indicator! Pay attention!) the perfume counter. Hawk takes note of this, but his attention is soon to be redirected by the appearance of a one-armed man (remember this from last time? When I said it might just be important? EH? Yeah, well, there he is again. Do with this what you see fit) walking out of the elevator. Hawk excuses himself and walks after the man down an empty hallway and into a room at the end which is entirely blue. I think. Tape troubles for djb again. Hawk follows a sign to, I think, the morgue. This would be an excellent time to cut to commercial, not just for the dramatic high points at hand, but as well as an excellent opportunity for me to remove the tape from the VCR and proceed to indulge myself in that time honored fix-all method of repairing disintegrating, ten-year-old technology by peering closely into the black strips under the "do not raise this flap" part of the tape and blowing on it. Which I shall now proceed to do.

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Twin Peaks




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