Twin Peaks
Episode One

Episode Report Card
Something's Fishy

Inside Ben Horne's plush office, Audrey, still the poster child for unbelievably endearing chemical imbalance, sways in time to Badalamenti's "Audrey's Theme Redux on Oboe and Glockenspiel." Ben enters and shuts off "this racket," telling Audrey that he's told her numerous times that it disturbs the guests. Segueing from a "you're ruining my life" to "you're ruining all of our lives" discussion tactic, Ben asks Audrey if she can connect the dots between her visit to the Norwegians conference room yesterday and their spontaneous decision to leave without signing the contracts. Audrey can't think of a possible reason why these two events could be connected. Oh, wait, and then there's this: "While I was in there, I happened to mention that I was sad." Um, about what, darling? "About my dear, close, friend Laura bring brutally murdered." Ben threatens her with a line so lyrical it should be put to music (and I hear that Angelo Badalamenti is available for the task, by the way), "If you ever pull another stunt like that, you are going to be scrubbing bidets in a Bulgarian convent." Audrey calls his bluff, and Ben storms out on the line, "Laura died two days ago. I lost you years ago." Ouch. And it's only been two days?

Meanwhile, over in the Briggs house, the Major says grace and attempts to engage his son "Robert" in a dialogue about "the events of the past few days. Not necessarily the physical events themselves, but rather the thoughts and feelings surrounding them." The Major's speeches remained remarkably unchanging during the course of the show, a credit to the consistency of his character considering the unique cadence he is able to maintain. ("I respect your rebellious nature. However, being your father, I am obligated to contain that fire of contrariness within the bounds established by society, as well as those within our own family structure.") Bobby sits silently brooding, then takes out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth, right there at the table. The Major, barely altering his tone at all, slaps the offending carcinogen right out of Bobby mouth, and it flies across the table and lands sticking straight out of his mother's meatloaf. It's a mental image that has stuck with me for some amazingly bizarre reason I'm at a loss to discern, and I've always thought it would make a really good promotional still for those poor collectors who have every other available piece of Peaks paraphernalia manufactured through the ages (except for permanent ownership of the CD, of course). Major then goes on to say something about their "beclouded and tempestuous existence," and Bobby's docile mother chimes in with the phrase that pays: "We're here for you, Bobby." She picks the cigarette out of her dinner and regards it curiously. Bobby wants to die, looking around in disbelief as if the only saving grace of his having been saddled with such a pithy and rigid father is that the gene for hair loss is passed down through the mother's side of the punnet square. This guy is like, really bald.

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Twin Peaks




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