Twin Peaks
Episode Sixteen

Episode Report Card
Scream '90

Donna sits outside at a picnic table in the middle of nowhere, and James drives up to find her in an advanced state of weepy badness. Donna launches into a speech about Maddy's death, and James observes that "this is no good." Oh, Hurley, you don't even know. He continues that "nothing we do matters. Nothing's ever gonna change. We're happy and the rest of the world goes to Hell." And vice versa, I hasten to point out. Anyway, since nothing they do matters, by their own admission…

Moodytreescakes, and we're inside the Roadhouse during a thunderstorm possessing the same high-drama timing as a short story Snoopy might compose on the roof of his doghouse. Ben Horne sits alone in a distant booth cracking nuts in his hands, and Albert and Cooper sit on barstools waiting for the pretentious dolly shots of the entire room to finish up their survey. Truman enters with Leland, who asks Cooper, "Why are we here? Is someone meeting us?" Cooper confirms that someone is. "Is it the killer?" Cooper claims that it just might be. Ed enters, and with this brawn in check, Cooper can act in more of an advisory role as he instructs the rest of the men to clear the room of its tables and chairs. Hawk wheels in Leo as Bobby (jeez, what's he doing there? Oh, who cares. Hi, Bobby) stands aside, and once everyone more or less hits their mark in the room, Cooper starts in, "Gentlemen, two days ago a young woman was found murdered by the same individual I believe responsible for the death of Laura Palmer. I have reason to believe that the killer is in this room." He continues on that he has employed many methods from traditional to Tibetan to instinct to luck. But now, after this endless FBI investigation that just drags on and on (we've got to be almost into week two of this case by now, which is odd, considering this episode is now entering its nine millionth marathon hour) Cooper sees the need for something new, "which for lack of a better word, we shall call…magic!" Suddenly a shot rang out, and a thunderclap and some really pretentious directorial posturing gives way to this scene's only worthwhile line, compliments of Ben, "Would you like us to hum?" Ha. It's too good. The clock strikes three as Cooper notes that "someone is missing," and with another clap of thunder, Major Briggs accompanies Droop Cup through the front door. Drool Cup stands next to Leland and takes a piece of gum out of his pocket and hands a piece to Cooper. Leland, apropos of tying up loose ends, comments, "I remember that gum. I used to chew it when I was a kid." Drool Cup looks back and deadpans, "That gum you like is going to come back in style." Cut to flashes of The Dream, but this time Laura approaches Cooper and speaks her message out loud: "My father killed me." So there you go. A nation, holding its breath, lets out a collective gasp. If by "nation" you mean "me and my brother" and by "gasp" you mean "switching the channel to LA Law in a determined hurry." Cooper stands in a blinding white light in front of the red velvet curtain and stares up at My Giant, who mysteriously appears before him. My Giant holds out his hand to show Cooper his lost ring, and then My Giant disappears and Cooper's ring falls to the floor. Wow. That was one of the most overdirected scenes. Ever. With the storm suddenly gone, Cooper puts the stylish gum in his mouth, picks up the ring, and thankfully returns to the direct approach, announcing, "Ben Horne, I would like you to accompany me to the Sheriff's Station. And you might want to bring along Leland Palmer as your attorney." Hawk and Truman escort the struggling man out, as Cooper gives the thumbs up to Drool Cup and leaves Bobby, Leo, Ed, and Major Briggs gawking in front of the red velvet stage. Suddenly, a schlock rang out.

The Wacky Ruse Boys escort Ben Horne into the Sheriff's Station as Leland asks if his client is going to be charged. Cooper assures Leland that he is, then holds Truman back for a moment when the others go ahead to whisper a sweet nothing of wacky ruse-esque proportions in his ear. Cut to a far more sinister Holding Cell for the Criminally Freaking Insane than Ben has spent time in before now, and just as it appears Ben is going into the coolie for crimes against de rigeur chewing gum for a very, very long time, the cop folk two-time his lawyer and toss Leland into the room instead. Slamming the door behind him, Leland goes full-tilt madcap, throwing down his suit jacket and running headlong into the bare cement walls all around. The other men gather around the tank, Ben genuinely curious when he asks, "Leland?" Hawk confirms that that's no Leland, and Truman takes this moment to respect the unconventional methods of his partner, asking how he knew. Cooper replies, "Laura told me. In my dream." Truman rapid fires that they'll be needing some stronger information than that, and Cooper asks if he'd prefer something more in the way of a confession. Yes. Yes, he would.

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Twin Peaks




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