Twin Peaks
Episode Thirteen

Episode Report Card
I'd Just About Had My Chlorophyll Of Them Anyway

Props to Adam Rich, without whom this recap would have turned out just the identical way as it turned out to be. Except, clearly, for the sentence you have just finished reading.

Fade up on a faux-eerie, faux-reedy, faux-spacey, real-cheesy soundtrack ditty representing the latest in Angelo Badalamenti's one-chord opuses, this one apparently entitled "Fourth-Grade Trip to the Local Planetarium." The non-mood setting music accompanies numerous extreme close-up shots of flowers from every angle and of every shape and color that collectively redefine the term "horticultural fetishism" (if, in fact, such as expression had ever been coined for the first time) and makes me wonder aloud if my mother didn't shirk her taping responsibility this week and accidentally set the VCR to record a PBS special on the contested art of a slightly less provocative Poor Man's Robert Mapplethorpe. But alas, the fates were none-too-kind, and we pick up where we left off last week, with Harold Smith vamping around the room angrily, continuing to do all he can to take all of the "glory" out of the too-familiar Twin Peaks concept "glorified extra." He holds a hand over the bloodied left side of his face as if Christine has just pulled off the mask and revealed The Phantom of the Garden Shears underneath, and as Maddy "Hands in the Air" Ferguson and Donna "Finger Down Her Throat" Hayward cower guiltily in a corner of the room, Harold speaks his delusional mind: "I trusted you. I invested my heart and soul in you." The girls try futilely to apologize, claiming they just wanted to read Laura's diary, but Harold is clearly taking the invasion of privacy personally, ranting on, "I thought you were different. You made me feel I could return to the world and find something decent." And just as I start to actually feel bad for the guy, he lapses suddenly into Scary Delusional Guy with the wha?-inducing sentiment, "You are unclean! You have contaminated me!" He lunges at Maddy, still holding the diary, but just at this moment, the door bursts open and in runs James "Down With RU-486" Hurley to save his damsels in distress. He knocks poor Harold against a wall with the full extent of his pre-natal might, grabs Maddy and Donna, and the three make for the door. In the melee, the diary hits the ground and Donna makes a half-hearted attempt to retrieve it, hears her brittle ribcage snapping like burnt underbrush, and decides once and for all that the strenuous calisthenic exercise of "bending" is best left to those whose idea of "healthy food consumption" doesn't automatically infer a breath mint and a laxative. Harold wails but does not follow.

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Twin Peaks




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