Twin Peaks
Episode Twenty-Eight (1)

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Yoko, Oh No!

Windom slams his surveillance briefcase shut and screams, "Eureka!" Wha? "Dale, I could kiss your pointy little head!" WHA? "It's fear, Leo! It's fear. My favorite emotional state!" He rants on about the perfectness of nature and fear, screaming, "We know where the entrance is, we know when the lock appears, and now we hold the key in our hands!" He grabs the suitcase and prances some more, white pancake make-up and threat of actual imposing nature completely evaporated as he exposits further, "Forgive my hasty departure, dear one. But the time has come to gather my beloved queen and embark upon our dark honeymoon." Pause. Pause. Pause. "I haven't been this excited since I punctured Caroline's aorta!" Ooooooooooh…? I guess he killed her. Well, then, that was quite the bomb. He leans in to Leo and bids him a fond farewell, telling him that he had the most wonderful time with him, even though he was a little "miffed" at Leo's "release of Major Briggs." But no fear: "You'll have plenty of time to reflect upon that, won't you? Goodbye, Leo. And good luck." And we cut to Leo, lying on the ground, a piece of twine apparently tied around one of his teeth. The twine extends up toward the ceiling and then turns, rigged as it is to some complex lever/pulley system thing that carries water to unirrigated desert towns at its best and tortures mentally crippled manservants at its worst. The latter represented here. At the end of the string is a glass box, which holds what looks like six or seven black widow spiders. The spiders that will die in the cage long before the twine gives out? I'm not sure I follow this particular line of badness. Maybe he's trying to torture the spiders?

Because even the most one-horse town needs a flagrantly gay choreographer, we cut over to the Roadhouse, where rehearsal for the rousing opening group number for the Miss Twin Peaks pageant is in full swing. Even though the pageant is tonight. Feh. Corky St. Clair, dance instructor, informs them that the dance is a "celebration of nature," and Lucy, ostensibly pregnant, a little too compromised, asks doubtfully, "What exactly are we celebrating with us all bending over like this?" Corky rails that they should never question the artistic vision of their choreographer, and we cut from that line to the judges -- the Mayor, Norma, and Dick -- discussing what qualities they think best exemplify Miss Twin Peaks. The Mayor observes that he gets his jones on for "beauty and power" (otherwise known as "pre-Viagra Teen Witch mojo"), while Norma thinks it's all about "originality" (giving the award to the one person that everyone unanimously detests) and Dick thinks the contest is all about "poise and, God help us, sophistication and breeding" (men). Robyn Lively walks off the stage then and approaches Dick, asking, "Would you mind helping me find something in the storage room?" He assents, his voice climbing even higher and twee-er than before. They enter the dark storeroom together, Dick asking what she needs to find. She gets all up in him and turns off the flashlight, telling him, "This might be it!" Dick actually shudders and responds all sexed up, "By George, I think you've got it!" Dignify that with a response? I'm sorry. I just can't.

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Twin Peaks

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