Twin Peaks
Episode Twenty-Eight (1)

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Yoko, Oh No!

Donna "Skickey Mouse's Girlfriend, Skinnie Mouse" Hayward snaps her legs in half by making the dangerous and ill-informed decision to actually walk down steps. She's decked out in her Miss Twin Peaks dress that makes the 1986 prom-going class of Massapequa High School stand up and ask, "Could giant red bows and ruffles and shoulder pads BE any more in, or what?" Her parents are standing (well, and sitting) in the dining room, and after her father tells her unconvincingly how beautiful she looks, Eileen (for that is her name) begs, "Read us your speech!" Donna's got her barb at the ready: "I'd rather talk about the truth right now." Because saving trees is nothing but a lie! Eileen is inquisitive, so Donna spells it out again: "I know something's going on with you and Benjamin Horne and I want to know what it is." She's tired of being treated like a child, and she tells her parents that if they don't tell her what's what, she'll "find out from Benjamin Horne." Silence. "This is your choice. Not mine." Donna steams out the front door. Blah blah cranky when she doesn't eat blah blah blah.

Andy returns to the chalkboard, just in time for Cooper to stand up, totally stilted, and exclaim "by heavens!" By heavens? Uh…I know Buffy and Roswell have popularized the scheduling unheard of in the last year, but I guess we all forgot about that time in 1991 when Twin Peaks was brought back from the brink of cancellation when the rights to Cooper's character were sold from ABC to PBS and they made him into a jaunty British investigator. Get him some of that deep black tea he loves so well! And an entire box of cherry crumpets! Ye Olde Cooper carries a small book over to the chalkboard and tells Andy that the "4" and the "H" the deputy noted a few scenes back is a pictorial representation of "Jupiter and Saturn in conjunction." Meaning that "there are enormous shifts in power and fortune" for both good and bad. Truman asks when the next time it is they'll be seeing this, um, conjunctiveness, and Cooper consults a conveniently-appearing map and tells us it's due "January to June. My God, Harry. The door to the Lodge. That's when it's open. That's what the puzzle is telling us." Six months? The door to the representation of all evil dwelling within the human soul is open for six months of the year? Why is it easier to get an in-season reservation there than it is at most ski lodges? And why the big push for specificity? Everyone just relax. Cooper surmises that if the map is telling them when, it's also telling them "where." Briggs wigs, "Protect the queen!" Cooper knows then that "the queen, the crown, Miss Twin Peaks," and makes out of the office in a hurry. Andy tries to call them back, but as he's running after them, he finally sets the bonsai subplot to rest when he knocks it off the table and they find Earle's bug. Andy never tells them what Andy was trying to tell them.

And now, Drop Dead Gorgeous, a hilarious tale of a beauty pageant gone horribly, horribly wrong and nobody cared. The Miss Twin Peaks brouhaha that has arrested the airwaves, I'll go ahead and explain, takes place in real time from this moment forward. Words cannot describe it. Wait, this word can: FILLER. I've never seen anything like it. It was like Badalamenti was all, "I can write more than three songs, you know!" And then Lynch was like, "Can you write fifty?" And then Badalamenti was like, "Um, no. Do I look like I know how to compose for any instrument other than the vibes and a Casio that samples really lush orchestras?" But Lynch was gone. He was already gone.

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Twin Peaks

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