Twin Peaks
Episode Twenty-Eight (1)

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Yoko, Oh No!

Opening dance number. In elaborate plastic rain gear and clear umbrellas, what I'll guesstimate is in the range of twelve women dance humorlessly and parade before the not-really-that-crowded Roadhouse. The judges glow with misguided self-importance. Corky St. Clair hugs the Log Lady's arm for some reason, and she pushes him away with great force. The dance concludes to great fanfare, and Doc Hayward ambles out on stage and begins the night's festivities, "in which one of these lovely and talented young citizens will soon be crowned Miss Twin Peaks." And I totally believe him, until the "soon" part. He introduces the first contestant in the talent competition, "Miss Lucy Moran!" To a wacky vaudeville tune, Lucy dances out in a little black number with sequins and tails and does a dance that has never befitted a pregnant woman, ever. It even ends with a sternum-crashing (for a thing in its first trimester, I'm saying) split that leaves the audience breathless and the developing chromosomes a mumbly-jumbly mess. Backstage, Bobby looks out at the Log Lady and mutters, "Small town, man," then turns to find said lady (in a completely different outfit) standing by the stage door. Bobby walks up to her and asks, "So, what'd you bring, your whole family?" The "Log" "Lady" lifts up "her" log and brings it down hardcore on Bobby's pretty, pretty head, and we note -- I understand so much now -- that that's a man, baby. No wonder Corky was so darn interested.

As Lucy's dance winds down, Truman bursts in the door with Cooper close behind. He tells Cooper that deputies are being pulled in from neighboring towns to surround the place, and Cooper deadpans, "Harry, it is essential that whoever wins this contest receive twenty-four-hour guard, house security, I want the works." Check. Hayward introduces Robyn Lively next, who will be performing "a dance of contortionistic jazz exotica." Or, as we laymen in the field call it, wearing black scarves and walking. Nevertheless, the menfolk are stunned into silence for another five minutes. At its merciful completion and a standing ovation, we cut to Cooper watching Audrey wrapping up her speech about saving the environment. Black on black with her white skin and red lipstick. She looks hot, and not even just in a 1991 kind of way. It's not too late to start your long day's journey back to cool, Coop. Go for it! Meanwhile, Drag Queen Donna skulks around backstage, finally finding Ben and marching right up, asking about the unsigned birth certificate and what have you. Trying to do oh-so-good, Ben can't help but handle the truth: "Donna, your mother and I…" Donna doesn't need anymore: "You're my father?" She takes off, miserable in the knowledge that she has a birth father who would have condoned her diet of one-carrot-per-one-cigar-per-day, whereas the first eighteen years of her life were wasted on parents who actually made her eat square meals. Curse them! Curse them all!

Annie Blackburn delivers a meandering speech that seems to wow them all. Forest, shores, spirits, nature. Windom Log Lady skulks about in the wings like the phantom of the not!ra. Hayward returns to tell us that "balloting will now commence, and then we will announce our winner!" Lucy tells Andy that she wants him to be the father of her child, and Dick skips off in glee while Andy celebrates for one tiny moment before telling Lucy that he has to find Cooper. My. That was wrapped up nicely. And not a moment too soon.

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Twin Peaks

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