Twin Peaks
Episode Twenty-Six

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Bottle of red, bottle of white

Inside the Great Northern, we land in the office of Ben "Sometimes It's Bad To Be Good" Horne, who enters to find Dick "Yes I Am" Tremayne waiting for him, nose in numerous bandages for reasons I am only barely able to recall. Dick notes with alarm, "It is only scant hours until our wine-tasting benefit begins, and I can't find your daughter anywhere." We are once again reminded that Audrey is in Seattle for the day. Ben refers Dick instead to the concierge, which I believe Dick might find off-putting for some reason. Ben then asks how Dick's clearly rhinoplastied nose is. Because I grew up on Long Island and believe me, I know what it looks like. People make up all the excuses in the world -- "I fell off a bike!" "It was a deviated septum!" "I was bitten by a crazed pine weasel on the loose!" -- whatever. All the excuses sound the same to me. And they all sound a bit like "NOSE JOB," if you want to know the truth. Dick promises that his nose woes are "a small price to pay in the service of a greater good," but Ben assures him, "We will, of course, pay any medical expenses." Dick thinks worker's compensation might also be involved, and Ben chokes on it before returning, "Easily done." But Dick works in the department store, so isn't this all a volunteer project, thus making a weekly percentage of his usual pay from Horne Inc. still approximately, um, "zero dollars"? Dick walks away all satisfied, and Ben does his best Iago-ish Shakespearean aside, growling, "Sometimes the urge to do bad is nearly overpowering." The late-season writers know just what you mean. He grabs a carrot out of his lapel and begins gnawing away, because beta-carotene-enriched food products are shorthand for "good guy," and also because that's a visual we've never had the opportunity to find completely hilarious before.

Cabin In The Evil Woods. Windom, decked out in a green checkered apron that doesn't have the words "Ask me about my grandkids. Or my bipolar dementia. Or my vast subtlety as an actor. And I will IGNORE you" embroidered across it but probably should, hands Leo an open bottle of beer that Leo carries over to The Lead Singer Of Stryper. Said vagrant is encased in what appears to be a giant plaster chess piece, and I wonder again at Earle's ability to procure fake glasses, tweed suits, and other large novelty chess pieces even though he is an escaped convict living in the middle of the woods. The Black Lodge gift shop must have a corporate sponsorship with Spencer Gifts. A really eeeeevil Spencer Gifts, though. ["I think that's probably a redundancy." -- Sars] Earle offers a short speech about how Stryper has lived his short life "in odium and obscurity," but now he's going on to a most exciting place. Earle unearths a bow from seeming nowhere and tells Leo to fetch him "an arrow." Leo has the audacity to try to recognize the wrongness of it all, but upon seeing his request refused, Windom also takes out a zapper (oh yeah, it's Spencer Gifts for sure. Earle's about one step away from taking out a pile of fake dog doo and being all, "Smell your fate! SMELL IT!!!") and points that thing right at Leo. Leo recoils in some serious bad pain, and Stryper stupidly responds, "That hurts!" Leo relents and brings an arrow over to Windom. In agonizing close-up, Windom readies the arrow and aims it right at Stryper, speeching about "lives after this life" and cackling like a big fool. Windom gives the order to himself and screams "now" to no one in particular; he lets go of the bow string, and the arrow flies into the side of the chess piece, cutting to a slo-mo shot of Stryper's head all tilted to the side, blood running out of his mouth. I'll see Stryper in hell, and I'm not the first person to promise that.

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Twin Peaks

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