Twin Peaks
Episode Twenty-Six

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Bottle of red, bottle of white

Enough, Miss Twin Peaks. Wait. It really, really is. The red telltale "remember these" curtains hang from floor to ceiling in the Roadhouse behind the Dirty Old Man Brigade commissioned to host the event: Doc Hayward, the mayor, and Pete Martell. The Mayor Of Ill-Advised Return To The Action remarks several times that this year's project promises to be "very exciting." The first order of business, Hayward tells us, is to listen to remarks from Ben Horne. Ben approaches the table and starts right in. Wait. Guess what. He's good! Real, real good, like. Let's listen in: "Gentlemen, my purpose is simple. The age of the ogling, swim-suited jiggle festivals of the past is dead." Miss Twin Peaks, he believes, is now "a celebration of the totality of a woman's qualities." In case you didn't see this theme dropped into a barrel and sent careening over the Great Northern waterfall at an unfortunate speed, he believes that "Miss Twin Peaks is an event in search of a theme. What I propose is simple: The topic of this year's speeches should be how to save our forests." Pete, for once made to look smarter even as the collective intellect of Twin Peaks inches towards cheap beer and cheaper novelty toys, laughs all cynically and asks without hesitation, "Your opposition to the Ghostwood Development Plan wouldn't have anything to do with this?" Ben resents the implication, of course, and Hayward responds that they'll "take it under advisement." The mayor loudly repeats that they'll take it under advisement, because he's Mr. Magoo, but without the heady though hilarious subtext only Leslie Nielsen was really ever able to bring to it.

Over at a table across the room, Ben walks up to Bobby and reminds him, "Don't forget the dry cleaning," as a prop to get him near enough for Donna "Slim Fastest" Hayward to give him a sinister glare. Icy cool. From the podium, Pete calls out for the first candidate to approach the committee. The mayor's wife walks up and plants a big one on her husband's cheek, causing Bobby to ask Shelley and Donna, "Does anybody smell a fix here?" as if Donna's father isn't sitting right next to the mayor. Shelley bemoans her inability to speak in public, and Donna leans in to promise, "You're gonna be great." Nadine "Watch Out For The Soggies, Cap'n" Hurley and The Mullet Formerly Known As Mike enter just then, excited that all the other girls have decided to enter the contest as well. Seeing him, Bobby pulls Mike over to a corner and tells him, "This is very scary, Mike. I think I don't know where you got this sudden interest in the life of the fossils." Mike responds, "I wouldn't expect you to understand," before clearing up this relationship for all of us with a simple though elucidating, "Do you have any idea what a combination of sexual maturity and superhuman strength can result in?" He leans in and whispers about three words in Bobby's ear, and Bobby screams a "whoa!" that turns everyone's attention toward him. Those must have been some three words.

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Twin Peaks

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