BLOGS

The Telefile
Dinner for Reality Show Schmucks

With Dinner for Schmucks coming out, we couldn't help but conjure up a list of the schmuckiest reality stars that have graced our television screens in the past year. This grouping of "unique" individuals makes the family from Home for the Holidays look tame. So get ready for a heaping of pathological liars, fame-hungry douchebags, and other shmuck-worthy reality characters that would make you want to set yourself on fire before the appetizers come out. We're serving them a dish of cold revenge for what they have put us through on their shows.

Gia Rukavina (You're Cut Off)
She makes MTV's Teen Moms look like mothers on par with Mrs. Cunningham from Happy Days, refusing to take care of her baby while she acts like one herself and demands to be waited on hand and foot by her husband. But let her speak for herself when she responds about the birth of her baby: "What the f*ck? You came into my life and destroyed it." Funny, that's how I felt about her when I first watched this show. No surprise she's on You're Cut Off with the other spoiled brats and no surprise she's on this guest list.

The Situation (Jersey Shore)
This schmuck is rarely seen with his shirt not pulled up, exposing his only winning trait: a set of orange abs. We can only imagine the show he'd put on for the other winners of this dinner, though he may run short of things to say considering there are no guidettes for him to try to impress at this particular event. Don't worry, Situation, we have plenty of other equally trashy broads to pick from.

Danielle Staub (The Real Housewives of New Jersey)
Case in point, Danielle. This disturbing demon knows her way around a courtroom as well as a strip joint. I'm sure she'll entertain our guests with narrations from Cop Without a Badge as well as a selection on fiction from her newly released autobiography. Either way, there's no doubt she'll be accompanied by a handful of Hell's Angels to completely unnecessarily protect herself from her fellow schmucks.

Spencer Pratt (The Hills)
We're hoping the end of his reign as the villain of The Hills means we won't have to see his lunatic self-destructive antics anymore, but I'm sure he'll make his way onto another awful reality show eventually. We'll tell him it's a costume-themed dinner so he can break out his homeless old man gear again. Pratt sets the bar high for douchiest spouse in existence, but this next schmuck is prime competition for that role.

Scott Disick (Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami)
There's no denying that Scott Disick is a dick. A sick one at that, as his erratic behavior on the Kardashian reality shows reveals. We'll seat him next to Spencer, so they can compare notes on holding their wives against their will for public appearance. This is a rare statement to be said, but Kourtney should actually take her sisters' advice by ditching this schmuck.

Kelly Bensimon (The Real Housewives of New York)
Though not quite as intentionally vicious as the other schmucks on this list, she definitely qualifies as quite possibly insane, which we all know provides some of the best entertainment at a dinner party. We'll be sure to have some "gum bearies" (gummy bears for us humans) on hand to satisfy her cartwheeling craziness at this dinner, provided that she doesn't get totally freaked out if we put it in a Skinny Girl totebag.

Coach Ben Wade (Survivor)
He's a deadly combination of a pathological liar and a completely delusional self-involved person. He's managed to convince himself that his outlandish tales of being dropped in the jungle and attacked and nearly eaten by the natives are all true. He constantly comes up with more tales to add to his whole dragon warrior lore and he's just utterly ridiculous. And he'd make the female guests uncomfortable with his awkward flirting, and we wouldn't be surprised to see him stand on the table to do some meditating yoga in the middle of the group to calm things down if a fight (that he likely started) broke out. Oh, and he might start crying. Because he's really sensitive underneath that faux-tough exterior.

Jake Pavelka (The Bachelor)
After his schmucky performance at ABC's reunion special with ex-fiance Vienna, he reserved his seat at our Dinner for Reality Schmucks. When you make people like us have the slightest bit of sympathy for someone like Vienna, you know you're a grade-A asshole. Just wait 'til he sees how we arrange the furniture in the dining room...sure to make him go berserk. If we let the schmucks invite a date, we'll see his buddy Chris Harrison, who belongs at this dinner nearly as much as Jake.

Ryan Leslie (Real World: Back to New Orleans)
Sure, he wasn't the one to pee on a roommate's toothbrush, but after his persistent gay slurs towards the gay roommate who did, can we really say this schmuck didn't deserve it a bit? He likes to make one thing clear before people start judging him: he is a straight male hairstylist. OK, we know straight male hairstylists exist out there, but his increasing anger when accused of being gay and his use of gay slurs to try to prove he's not can't help but make us wonder...

Kate Gosselin (Dancing With the Stars)
All things aside about her parenting skills and failed marriage, we're mostly inviting her to recreate the disturbing rendition of Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" that she performed on Dancing with the Stars. It's only right that we torture our schmucky guests the same way they torture our souls through reality television with this painful number.

Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

MOST RECENT POSTS

BLOG ARCHIVES

The Telefile

The Latest Activity On TwOP