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The Telefile
CSI: Things Kurt Russell Could Do Instead Upon hearing the news that Kurt Russell, my favorite movie star in the whole damn universe, is a leading contender to take over William Peterson's role on CSI, I had mixed emotions. First I was like, "The Kurt! On the TV! Yes!" But then I remembered that I don't watch CSI, I've never even seen CSI, and the only things I know about CSI are that they talk about pubic hair on it a lot (Reno 911 told me!) and that it's my 90-year-old grandmother's favorite show. We don't watch the same shows because she's 66 years older than I am, so naturally we have different tastes in what she likes to call "progr'ms."

So, while I'd still love to see The Kurt! on the small screen, it would be much more convenient for me if he just joined a show I already watch, so I don't have to catch up on anything new/for old people. I believe I've earned it. I can quote every line from all of The Kurt!'s films, including the often openly mocked Escape from L.A., which is probably better than he and John Carpenter themselves could do, even if they teamed up.

Big Idea Number 1: The Kurt! as Eli Stone
Oh my dear lord. My favorite movie star of all time driving my favorite fictional character of all time, Jack Bristow, completely insane while wearing a $3,000 lawyer suit? And sometimes they sing George Michael songs together?! And maybe they can go out and do some old school Snake Plissken/Spydaddy ass-kicking? Upgrade! Snake Plissken and Jack Bristow will beat you to a bloody pulp with their iron fists, sue you for it, win, then squander your entire life savings on liquor and loose women all before noon.

Big Idea Number 2: The Kurt! on 30 Rock
Jack Donaghy pulls some strings to get hardened criminal Burt Tussel out of federal prison only to hire him to kill his arch nemesis, "Will Arnett Character." Vindicated, Donaghy takes his rightful position as HBIC of GE, and appoints Burt Tussel (who turns out to be quite the short story scribe) as star and executive producer of Captain Ron Backdraft, the hybrid sitcom of my dreams!

Big Idea Number 3: The Kurt! Kills Jack Bauer, Assumes His Identity
I love Jack Bauer very much, but give the poor guy a break. He's over it, and he needs the sweet release of death at the hands of The Kurt! And what better way than a greased up, Gladiator-style fight to the death, preferably in a glass cage suspended high above Moscow's Red Square? That'd show those Commie bastards!

Big Idea Number 4: There's a New Slutty Plastic Surgeon in Town, and His Name is The Kurt!
Nip/Tuck is an excellent show, and Christian Troy certainly knows a thing or two about womanizing, but Sean is the crappiest wingman I've ever seen. No woman would be safe with the two-man promiscuity task force that is Christian Troy and The Kurt! Plus, his surgical specialty could be turning everyone into an '80s-era Goldie Hawn, which would allow some self-reflexivity for the show and a little inexplicable heart-melting for me.

So there you have it, Hollywood. Those are just a few of my highly viable ideas, and if you think they're not better than the snoozeville concept of Kurt Russell goes on a grandma show then you don't deserve your job!

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