The Telefile
New <i>Dancing With The Stars</i> Cast Shocks and Awes Me

I always thought Dancing With the Stars should quit trying to sound all highbrow and just call itself People You Probably Forgot Existed But Whose Pathetic Career Trajectory Is Now Obvious By Virtue Of The Fact That They've Been Cast On This Show. That is, until I read the lineup of "celebs" they have on deck for the new season. Ladies and gents, this is the créme de la créme of D-Listers. One might even say the A-List of D-Listers. Hey, let's call them Delta Force Listers! Seriously, someone must've sold his soul to Heidi Montag, because this season is jam-packed with people I actually kinda give a crap about! Here are the bright and shining "stars" I'm most excited to watch shaking his or her thang for the world to see.

Kim LargeAssian, whom me and the rest of America are fully looking forward to seeing in those spangly, slutty dance costumes!

Lance Bass, who would never have agreed to this if he wasn't fully embracing his long-repressed inner queen. Although with him busy doing rehearsals and tapings, who's gonna stand in as Best Gay for the likes of Kathy Griffin and Christina Applegate?

Hotto DiSpirito. Seriously, how many reality shows can one man star in? They should create some sort of award for this. I sincerely hope he and LargeAssian have an on-the-set tryst. Now that's a sex tape I'd pay to see!

Cloris Leachman, who always seems vaguely senile and/or drunk to me, and whom I'd be really stoked to see undergo a Marie Osmond-style transformation and get her own spin-off show called America's Next Top Senior Citizen.

Misty May-Treanor, who will be giving LargeAssian a run for her money in the Everyone's Looking At Your Butt department. Side note: If the judges -- or anyone -- mentions one goddamned thing about her wedding ring or how she met her stupid husband, there will be hell to pay. Fair warning, y'all.

Susan Lucci, who, if the universe has a sense of humor, will go on to win her very first Primetime Emmy for her star turn in this poo. I want to create a drinking game or betting pool involving who's gonna pass out or die of exhaustion first, this old hag or Leachman. My money's on the Lootch!




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