The Telefile
Totally Scientific <i>Celebrity Apprentice 2</i> Predictions Last night was the two-hour premiere of the new season of The Celebrity Apprentice, and the fact that I wasn't bored to tears after such a lengthy debut tells me that this season is fixing to be pretty damned compelling. Full disclosure: I did not watch last season, the first incarnation of the celebrity iteration of The Donald's franchise. My decision to do so this time around had much to do with the presence of some of my favorite B-list (C-list? D-list? F-list?!) celebs: Joan Rivers, Khloe Kardassian, Tom Green and Brian McKnight (I know, I can't explain it). I was both tickled and horrified watching The Diceman crash and burn so spectacularly, and a little disappointed to see him go so soon, as I'm sure he'd have made a worthy adversary and a love-to-hate-him villain. The fact that he started complaining about the lack of bagels almost immediately was simultaneously endearing and hugely irritating, and I appreciate anyone who can straddle these two polar opposites. Angel was kind enough to lay out her predictions for who will do well this season in a formal, mathematical and highly precise way in her gallery. I have no such designs on accuracy, but I have a few predictions of my own based on last night's shit-show.

1) Joan Rivers' face is going to melt. The fact that they even let this woman within a 75 yard radius of a working oven means that the producers of this show are tempting fate. For a woman who announces to anyone who will listen that she's sunk $150K into her face and its "upkeep," you'd think she'd be more cautious. And if the promo clips are any indication, Joan's troubles are only just starting. During what appears to be a boardroom sitdown, she asks someone to please shoot her. Don't do it, Joan. Come back from off the ledge!

2) Tom Green is gonna be a sleeper hit. I know a lot of people find him intolerably annoying, but last night his usual mugging was kept to a minimum, and when he actually opened his mouth to say stuff, it didn't make me want to barf. He sounded relatively smart, sane and savvy. Bonus: He's boys with Donny Deutsch? WTF?

3) Annie PokerSlut and Brande Boobtastic are gonna get into major fisticuffs! Much as I admire any woman who can lay it down against dudes at a poker table, this Annie ho has pretty much secured her role as Least Likeable, epesh now that it's been fully vacated by ADC. Her verbal bitchfight with Playboy Bunny Brande last night was a titillating preview of things to come, and made me like Ms. Naked Pants way more than I thought I would.

4) Jesse James' working class hero schtick is gonna get real old, real fast. I don't give a poo how blue collar your ass is or how poor your friends are. You're famous and your wife is Sandy Effing Bullock, so tone down the twangy proletariat schpiel already.

5) Dennis Rodman will necessitate subtitles. Never have I been so confused by a native speaker's attempt at conveying simple thoughts. The dude has a rage-induced stutter that only a mother (or Madonna) could decipher, let alone love.

6) Brian McKnight will be my boyfriend. It could happen!

What did all y'all think of the season kick-off? Who're you hoping wins?




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