The Telefile

Happy Endings: Kosher Character Assessments

by Angel Cohn November 14, 2012 10:05 am
<I>Happy Endings</I>: Kosher Character Assessments

"Boys II Menorah" had a lot of Dave and Alex relationship drama, and yet it was still pretty fantastic. It also had the second reference this week to someone not intelligent eating a candle (in this case Alex; in HIMYM's case, Nick), which is something we'd never have imagined was a thing. But before we go do steps 1-50 on how to make our bar mitzvahs less lame (even the secret steps), we've found each character's best and worst moments:

The original hype man, and a one-time funeral seat-filler. He's very convincing with the weeping... if only he could get the name right. We may someday get sick of him getting intense and angry when he doesn't get his way, but today's not that day. When he showed up at the bar mitzvah all betrayed in his hoodie and then had a hype-off with Brad, it was perfectly bizarre. Too bad being an unstable weirdo isn't a job. Maybe he can create an online class and then use someone else's credit card to pay for it... and maybe even pass this time, if there's no racial bias in the unstable weirdo community.

His best lines:
- "He entered a boy, but he'll be leaving... entered a boy, doesn't sound great... he came, that's still not great. "
- "That's my signature move. No one does the dreidel move except for DJ Dikembe Mutombo."
- "I'm trying to find a dunkaroo I dropped under the couch and I have get it before the rats do because I will not spend another Thursday fighting the rats for what is rightfully mine."
- "I said, 'Shalom, sir.'"
- "What we did in there was officially considered a hate crime."

Can't blame those underage boys for being able to smell her desperation for flattery a mile away and try to take advantage of her. Kudos to the one who tried to compare himself to savings bonds maturing. And only Penny can find herself taking her shirt off while locked in a closet with a bunch of underaged boys... to save her job.

Her best lines:
- "Max is bad at most things he does. I can't believe I gifted him with my virginity."
- "You know that super-sweet guy I met at the bar mitzvah? Turns out he wasn't just a little on the short side with a hipster mustache. He's 13 and actually tall for his age. "
- "You will be the hottest mixed-race dance crew since Paula Abdul and MC Scat Cat. He was Persian."
- "What is it about me? I'm like Jewish boy crack."
- "They get bigger, but they don't get better, Shawna. "
- "I know this seems really awful, but when you consider all the things your people have been through... this is not that bad."

Aside from her wide variety of costumed sex personas, she didn't have a ton to do... but sometimes that's enough.

Her best lines:
- "I always thought I would end up with a Jewish guy until I met this chocolate anaconda."
- "Brad got tickets to one of those hologram concerts. Hologram Graham Nash is opening for Hologram Hall & Oates. Actually it's hologram Hall but real live Oates."
- "I'm gonna need to see your license, registration and proof of penis."
- "Look at that man move. This is some good material for the old buzz bank."

As the other half of Boys II Menorah, we were happy that Brad finally seemed to find his calling, even if it meant selling out Max. Most of Brad's humor was visual, with him and Max riding invisible horses Gangnam-style, him tossing off backflips like nothing and his "I was all about the Benjamins" t-shirt.

His best lines:
- "Max leads the league in having jobs you didn't know were jobs. Remember when he was a salad bar back? "
- "It was like a scene out of Magic Mike... not that I would know."
- "What if they find out I'm not Jewish?"
- "Step 23, find your place card and corresponding table."

Dave and his increasingly disgusting hair spent the episode being unromantic and discussing his bowel movements. Normally not great, but we did find out how much he loves his sexy Nana. And the key-tossing with airport security was very well-timed.

His best lines: - "My fruit guy Fariq hooked us up with some next-level dates. We're gonna stay inside and house those bad boys. "
- "My Lasik. My Asics."
- "Right now I'm in the middle of responding to a bunch of nasty reviews on Yelp."
- "She's your sister... but well done."

And then there's dear sweet oblivious Alex, showing up at an airport with a fake ticket on Love airlines and not understanding the Kosher rules. Her vacant stare was dead-on the entire episode, though it might have been from all the paint fumes.

Her best lines:
- "From now on, Alex is keepin' it kosh."
- "You know what would be great with this blintz? Bacon."
- "Can I still stay friends with my pig friends?"
- "Actually, where we're going we need a lot of clothes because its overrun by Asian tiger mosquitos."

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