The Telefile
Lingering Questions from the <I>Rock of Love Bus</I> Premiere

So I just got a chance to watch the season premiere of Rock of Love: If this Bus Is a Rockin' Don't Come a Knockin' and I'm flabbergasted. I would have watched last night, but I was too busy writing about the quality program Superstars of Dance. Sigh. At least RoL:Bus was entertaining... if terrifying. Potes did a fabulous job of recapping this skanktastic episode, but there were some things I had to see with my very own eyes to believe, and now I need a long shower. But the whole thing left me with some burning questions (I hope I didn't contract something while watching it!) that I've listed below.

Is there an option of ditching one of these skanks and replacing them with a random groupie along the way?
Because if the former Poison frontman is looking for a lady who appreciates his music, wouldn't he do better to pull from the pool of sluts who stand by the stage door?

How effective are the eyes in the back of Bret's head?
Bret claims that he has eyes in the back of his head and can see what the trashy girls are doing behind him, but wouldn't the wig and bandanna (and sometimes cowboy hat) sort of block that out?

What exactly are Genital Herpes instructions?
When Nikki (aka DJ Lady Tribe) reads her rap off of flyers from the local clinic Bret calls them "instructions." Would that be guidelines for how to contract them? Because I'm thinking if he's looking for a how-to, all he's got to do is hook-up with any of these girls.

Where do they find these outfits?
Each season I'm amazed by the smaller and smaller "outfits" and wonder if there is some sort of haute-couture trashy store that sells nothing but leopard and thongs for these girls and keeps track so they don't wear something that's already been seen on the show.

Why do I feel bad for Bret?
Bret doesn't want girls to choke each other. He is able to lie to drunk girls and tell them they don't look funky. There are some true butter-faces in this bunch (I know... I hate that term, but it applies here...) and he tells them all they are beautiful. He's either the most oblivious person on earth, or he is really a sweet guy who is just looking for love with a raunchy gal. Either way, I feel bad when he has to break up catfights. Isn't that what Big John is there for?

Where does one learn to do shots out of their um, vajayjay?
Better yet, where does one find someone to do a shot out of their vajayjay? The germs! So gross. I just... wow. That's something I never imagined I'd see on television.

Why doesn't Big John do some sit-ups between seasons?
The bouncer/Bret Michaels companion knows that he's going to be on camera, right? And that it adds ten pounds? Wouldn't you think he'd want to look more fit? I'm sure if he toned up he could get Bret's leftovers... though that's probably a dangerous prospect.

Is Beverly a man?
The tomboy brunette who wears chunky shoes is supposedly a man because some Paris Hilton wannabe with very fake blonde hair and fake everything else deems her so. Seriously, stupidest fight ever. Beverly is manish because she looks like a normal person and not a prostitute. Whereas I'm convinced Ashley is an alien because nothing on her is real, at all. Good lord.

Who brings kids to a Bret Michaels concert?
Who? Not cool. Not cool at all. Those kids will be scarred for life. Though maybe that's the reason that Bret doesn't make moves on the groupies. It's hard to hit on ladies when they've got their pre-teen daughters with them.

Does Bret have notes written on the backstage passes?
Because when he tells the girls who gets to stay and go, he keeps looking down at them... either that or he can't remember their names.

Who keeps tequila in the bathroom?
Brazilian Marcia claims to be in heaven because there's tequila everywhere. In the bedroom, on the bus and in the bathroom. I guess that's most convenient for puking.

Does Bret not know the rule about wearing the T-shirt of the band you are in?
He's got a T-shirt on that has his name on it and the rock on symbol. I learned a long time ago (OK, mostly from Can't Hardly Wait) that it is lame to wear the shirt of your band.

Do you think Nikki knows she's been kicked off?
They just sort of left her sitting on the ground, and she was more than a little out of it due to her "totally legal drugs." She might still be waiting for Bret to come back. And do you think she purposely tried to look like Daisy? Or does that just come naturally for her?

How much money do you think they spend on waterproof mascara each season?
Because when the girls get eliminated... or almost eliminated... they cry their little eyes out and don't seem especially racoon-ish. That's some amazing stuff. It must cost a bundle.

Where do these people come from?
And how do they keep finding them. There are some serious freaks out there and with the plethora of trashy reality dating shows out there, you'd think they'd run out of slutty girls hoping to get fifteen minutes of fame and make out with aging has-beens on camera, but yet, here we are at season three, with twenty more gals. All the while there's still plenty of ladies for Double Shot of Love and Bad Girls Club and that ilk. Remember the good old days, when like Blind Date was kind of risque?

Any more nagging questions, or better yet, any answers? Sound off below.




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