The Telefile
<I>Famous Food</i>: TV’s Biggest Trainwrecks in One Convenient Place

I'm going to be honest here: I spent most of the first episode of this show transfixed by Heidi Montag's boobs in her pink shirt. Not in a pervy way, but because I was trying to figure out if she was wearing a strangely textured bra, was sitting at an odd angle or if her nipples actually point in two separate directions. When that is the most fascinating part of a series that has some of reality's most biggest nightmares, it's probably a bad omen.

If you aren't familiar with the concept of this new program, VH1 has decided to give some "celebrities" a reality show where they can start a restaurant. So much for the network's plan to move away from focusing on celebs. Mike Boogie (who is trying to convince me that I should call him Mike Malin -- as if) and his business partner Lonnie Moore (who is no Dr. Will) run the Dolce Group and have successfully opened restaurants with the likes of Ashton Kutcher, Wilmer Valderrama, Danny Masterson, Dule Hill and Jamie Kennedy. They've decided to close their Sunset Strip spot Ketchup and renovate it and revamp it with another pseudo-famous person as a partner. Those in the running are DJ Paul and Juicy J (of the Three 6 Mafia), Ashley Dupre (the escort from that Spitzer scandal), Jake Pavelka (that Bachelor jerk who doesn't wear a shirt), Danielle Staub (who had a table flipped on her on The Real Housewives of New Jersey), Vincent Pastore (who would prefer to be called Vinny instead of Big Pussy -- can't imagine why) and Heidi Montag (who is a self-proclaimed "pop culture phenomenon"). The seven celebrities are tasked with opening the restaurant (doing everything from coming up with a theme to training a staff) and then in a month, the place will open and one will be named a partner.

So far, the show is exactly what you'd expect: Loudmouth Danielle tries to take everything over; Heidi just drinks a lot and tries to get free shit; Vinny is condescending, loud and really only wants to do a classic Italian restaurant; Jake says nothing; Ashley would like to have a picnic and the Three 6 Mafia boys are down with soul food and stripper poles. Many of them try and shun their responsibilities before coming up with "genius" ideas that don't impress Mike and Lonnie, while, for some reason, Vinny brings in a guy that is totally orange to "consult" on something (which mostly means inappropriately hit on Ashley). They spend most of the episode coming up with a horrid sounding idea: a restaurant called Fame where they serve Italian soul food fusion (though none of them exactly know what that means). And then the Dolce group poo-poos it and they end up doing a classy picnic (points to the actual prostitution whore in the house for that idea).

While there was very little drama, these people are professional famewhores... so judging by the "coming up on this season" preview, there is a lot of fighting, screaming and backstabbing. And even some table flipping. Sounds like... fun. Mostly I just want to figure out the Heidi nipple mystery and see if Vinny ever gets the name of the Real Housewives franchise correct.

Watch TWoP's editors preview the summer's most pleasant TV surprises in this segment airing on the New York Nonstop cable news channel:

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