The Telefile
<i>Eastbound & Down</i>: The Premiere’s Most Offensive Lines

After his South of the Border sojourn, Kenny Effin' Powers is back stateside in Season 3 of HBO's scabrous comedy Eastbound & Down. Danny McBride's foul-mouthed, not-so-vaguely racist and all-around awful alter ego is currently calling Myrtle Beach, South Carolina home and pitching for the minor league team, the Mermen. He's apparently got some of his old heat back as well, and is so high on his newfound success that he's already prewritten the third installment of his so-called Life Saga, describing how he got back to the Majors... even though he hasn't actually gotten back to the Majors yet.

While Powers' professional life is taking off in a semi-big way, his personal life is, as always, in shambles. His old flame April gave birth to their son Toby, who just celebrated his first birthday with a backyard party that Kenny attended with extreme reluctance. It's clear that April isn't handling parenthood too well either, showing up on Kenny's doorstep a few days after the party and allowing him to convince her that what they both need is a drunken night out on the boardwalk while his irresponsible new pal Shane (Jason Sudeikis, effectively douchey) "watches" -- i.e. ignores -- the sleeping baby. When Kenny wakes up the next morning, though, April is long gone and little Toby is crying in the next room. That's right, it looks like this season is shaping up to be Father Knows Best... or, more accurately, Father Knows Fuck All. As always, our favorite thing about the show is watching just how far McBride and the rest of the show's brain trust -- Jody Hill and Ben Best -- are willing to push the P.C. envelope. Here are Kenny Powers' most cheerfully offensive lines of dialogue from the premiere.

"Your base tans are looking nice. I'm hoping to get there myself this season." -- Kenny to two African-American beachgoers after planting his bodyboard, which sports a big marijuana leaf against the backdrop of a Confederate flag, in the sand.

"Look at those two crazy kids, running around like fucking freed slaves, huh?" -- Kenny to his new hook-up Andrea, describing the way Shane and his gal pal are running to the beach, where she proceeds to jerk him off under a towel.

"I will be able to break you off a little bit. I'll be able to slap it, but I'm not going to have time to flip it and rub it down. Translation: I'm not sure both of us are going to come." -- Kenny to Andrea, describing how their own sex-on-the-beach session is about to go down.

"My story is the story of a raging Christ figure who tore himself off the cross and looked at the Romans with blood in his eyes and said, 'My turn now cocksuckers.'" -- The revised intro to Kenny's new book, I'm Fucking Back.

"As we say in Mexico, feliz cumpleaƱos to fucking Toby. Not to fucking him... to, like, he's cool, to fucking Toby." -- Kenny toasting his son at his one-year birthday party, after a rambling speech in which he also calls "Toby" a racist name because it's what the slave masters called Kunta Kinte in Roots.

"I think it's high time you set that pussy free." -- Kenny convincing April to hit Myrtle Beach in style.

"No, don't go ahead, Jimmy. In fact, why don't you pick up that ball and slide it right up your dad's butthole?" -- Kenny, to the young kid at a putt-putt course whose dad tells him to play through. When Jimmy listens to his dad instead, Kenny tosses his ball into the lake. April then decks the mom and the dad, forcing both of them to flee as Kenny shouts "This is all your fault Jimmy, you little fucker!"

"Hey, we're parents. Suck our dicks!" -- Kenny's rallying cry as he and April sashay down the boardwalk, drunk and stoned out of their minds.

"He looks like the dude from The Shield. Chiclets." -- Kenny describing who his sleeping son most resembles.

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