The Telefile
<I>Don’t Trust the B—- in Apartment 23</I>: The Best Bitchy Moments of the Week

It isn't incestuous to sleep with (or dry rub) your roommate's father, but as we learned in "Daddy's Girl," dating a dad comes with some serious father issues.

Van Der Beek Productions We'd Like to Watch
We very much would have liked to see him do an all-white version of A Raisin in the Sun. Who cares if Chloe thought it was a long evening? A runner up would be Diaghilev Sad Show (the Russian translated version of Dawson's Creek). He's just cries and makes films. God, we miss that stupid show.

How to Get That Minty Fresh Feeling
Chloe uses a "hooker's toothbrush" as part of her morning ritual, which means she gargles with Peppermint Schnapps.

Best Use of Monologue
While teaching at NYU, the class starts chanting for James to do the speech Dawson gave when he realized he loved Joey, and while Professor Van Der Beek initially protests, he just busts it out like he practices it in his bathroom mirror every night (probably not far from the truth).

A Screwed-Up Bucket List
Chloe worries that June hasn't experienced life because she hasn't "eaten blowfish out of a Japanese man's mouth." We feel so deprived.

A Rivalry That We Wholeheartedly Support
Van Der Beek versus Franco. James starts teaching an acting class at NYU because of his rivalry with Franco, who beat him out for the part of Harvey Milk's lover. Can't wait for the inevitable showdown between the two of them (because Franco will clearly do anything). And we agree, Dawson, you would have made an awesome gay dude in that movie.

Best Hiding Place
We're totally going to play hide and seek with Chloe because when she's nervous, she just resorts to hiding behind a "chubbo." With a go-to hiding place like that, she'd be easy to spot. So long as we're not on the set of The Biggest Loser, that is.

Fractured Family Dynamics
Want to know why Chloe is so messed up? Her mother didn't do stuff like roller skate with her, or take her horseback riding. Why? Because she's in a wheelchair. Seeing Marin Hinkle wheel out from behind a half wall was a nice surprise, though not as great as finding out that Chloe never asked her mother why she was confined to a wheelchair in the first place, because it seemed like her mom wanted her, too. That and the fact that Chloe wants to hook her roommate up with her dad in the hopes that they have sex because her father (who is still married to her mom) deserves better. There are some odd family values happening there.

Opposites Can Get Along... If One of Them Can't Talk
Eli's got a girlfriend who is perfect, except she's a Republican. Good thing that she's a blow-up doll and can't say much.

Creepy Robin Moment of the Week
"You're the dad... Half of Chloe came from you. My compliments to the chef." -- spoken in the most stalkery voice possible.

Can Someone Get That Girl a Hamburger?
Mark's the best because his offhanded comments are insightful and disturbing. Particularly the ones about his girlfriend, who is so thin that it hurts when he hugs her. And they can "only make love in water." We'd really like to spend a day with him.

Take A Bite Out of Crime
Scott gives June a stuffed McGruff, and then (after the hours of dry rubbing), she snuggles with both of them. "I'm in a Scott/McGruff sandwich and I've never felt safer." Disgusting. We're with Mark on this one (at least we remember who he is): "Hey, a stuffed animal from a much older man... nothing creepy about that."

Worst Family Vacation Ever?
After she pushed her father into the street (well, the bike lane at least), we learned that Chloe did the same thing at the Hoover Dam when he was blathering on. No wonder no one ever bought her a hamster.

So When You Say You've Only Slept With One Person...
"You mean not counting one night stands? Blackout sex? Redheads? Girls? I'm not a fan of the lady cave either, but in a pinch." -- Chloe, clearly confused about June's lack of sexual experience.

Questions That Deserve Answers
"Did you and Pacey ever do a scene drunk?" Kudos to the random coffeehouse attendee who shouted out that question.

People That Love the Beek, Forehead and All
Mark, in his infinite wisdom, points out that all James needed to do was post that he was going to be at a coffee shop and drop everything to see him. "All these girls, and that dude in the mesh tank top, would clearly have sex with you." Mark really could be a life coaching -- if the coffee shop thing doesn't work out.

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