The Telefile
<i>New Girl</i>: The Do’s and Don’ts of Hiring Nick Miller as Your Lawyer

After the three-week saga of Abby Day, last night's episode of New Girl, "Fired Up," was pretty low-stakes. Jess helped Coach get a job as a volleyball coach at her school, who subsequently got fired and then hired back; Schmidt got sued and hired Nick as his lawyer, who subsequently got fired, and then hired himself back; Cece got a new love interest that Schmidt seemed shockingly fine about; and Winston… got a cool new nickname. The episode was pleasantly forgettable, which is sadly, how most of this season has been. It's not actively bad, or even unfunny, it's just that the magic from Season 1 and Season 2 just continues to be missing. Here are the do's and don'ts from last night's episode "Fired Up":

Do: Make Coach a Coach Coach
Much like Winston, the writers have been trying to figure out what the hell to do with Coach and after a disastrous non-relationship with Cece, they've now moved on to his career. Smart. Jess gets Coach a job as a coach at her school, even though he initially has no interest. ("I just like paychecks." Don't we all, Coach?) But he soon finds out that when he gets to yell things like "Keep running or I will murder your families!" at children, the job is actually way more interesting than he'd given it credit for. As soon as Coach grows fond of the kids and they of him (they all pitch in to get him a letterman jacket that reads "Coach Coach", he gets fired for budgetary reasons. But Jess, of course, manages to get Coach his job back by effortlessly shifting some things around at the school. Coach is thrilled to see the kids again and call them "no-talent idiot babies." Also, I'm no teacher, but I've got to imagine that there's a lot more red tape and headaches than that to hiring someone back and shifting around after-school activities. Ah, sitcom life.

Don't: Be a Vice Principal If You Don't Want to Crack Some Skulls
Jess was eager to become the vice principal at her school (she took on extra duties like fixing computers and painting lockers in an attempt to woo the principal into giving her the gig rather than just asking to be considered) but somehow didn't realize there's some really unpleasant things that come with that title. Things like firing your friend. (See: above.) While the Coach thing gets resolved far too easily, the extra job load and stress takes its toll on Jess (who also got nailed with a volleyball) pretty quickly and she's fast asleep before she even gets to see Nick for the night.

Do: Date a Charming Aussie
Sure, this is going to be another doomed relationship for Cece (she's going to wind up back with Schmidt, so I don't know who the writers think they are fooling) but unlike Shivrang and Robby, this new guy seems like fun to watch. Cece is wooed by a charming, albeit very young Australian named Buster. While her manager Ben is in no way subtle about his attraction to the guy ("Good god, you look nice!"), Cece eventually agrees to go out with him for a cup of coffee. (Turns out, coffee is one of the three meals Buster can make.) But even more unbelievable than the idea of sweet, charming, handsome Australian just waltzing into Cece's life is that Schmidt would be okay with it. I know these two are friends now, but I have a hard time believing he would be cheering this on the way he did. Then again, Buster is awfully adorable.

Don't: Hire Nick Miller as Your Lawyer
If teachers were frustrated watching "Fired Up," I can't even begin to imagine how lawyers felt watching the Nick/Schmidt/Winston storyline. After Schmidt moves his stuff into the storefront he purchased for Abby, a stranger walks in thinking it's actually a functioning shop. The guy almost immediately falls on Schmidt's piles of stuff and threatens to sue him, which he does. Since Nick passed the bar, he offers to defend Schimdt, because practicing law is just like riding a bike. Unfortunately for Schmidt, Nick forgot how to do both of those things. Schmidt fires Nick pretty quickly after realizing he's in no way equipped to handle this (at one point, Nick blanked on the word "feet" and revealed he pronounces "lasagna" incorrectly.) But Nick takes it upon himself to hire himself back and defend Schmidt in a totally disastrous meeting. Rather than take the offer to settle out of court for $20,000, Nick threatens the other lawyers that they'll have to put up with him and paperwork for months…and it works. That's seriously all it takes for Nick to win this case. I kind of liked the angle they were going for with Nick trying to redeem himself from his law school days, but he won by being an inept fool, so where's the real victory here?

Do: Give Yourself a Cool New Nickname
If you don't have a plot this or any week, might as well give yourself a cool new name like Courtroom Brown like Winston did.

Don't: Make "Loves It in the Caboose" Jokes
You're better than that, New Girl.




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