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The Telefile
<i>Hills</i> Stars Continue to Make Careers Out of Being Their Boring Selves I know I'm partially to blame for the enduring success of The Hills and its respective "stars," being that despite my incessant rants that nothing ever effing happens on that show, I continue to tune in week after week, perhaps operating under the misapprehension that the one time I miss it will be the time producers finally decide to unleash a shitstorm. That said, I can't help but be infuriated by the fact that these bland tanorexics keep making money for doing essentially nothing but acting -- I use the term with no small sprinkling of irony -- like themselves. Say what you will about L.C.'s crappy fashion line -- at least it requires some measure of effort. Sure, it's unlikely she actually designs any of that ugly poo herself, but the whole endeavor is based on the idea that she has an actual interest in fashion and might have, at one point, drawn a sketch. The girl does, after all, attend fashion school (sometimes).

So you can understand my ire at the latest spate of Hills-related news. Firstly, Audrina Patridge will appear as herself on MADtv in a sketch based on the pretense that she supposedly creates drama everywhere she goes. Umm, if the MADtv scribes actually watched The Hills they'd know how frigging retarded that is because, out of the stable of boring, slack-jawed plastic surgery victims on the show, she's the one with the least potential to cause drama. Even last week's episode in which she and LC had that "highly anticipated" face-off to discuss the tension between them was blah. Not to mention that said tension was, in fact, the result of Lo's meddling and had nothing to do with anything Audrina did. In fact, if anything it was her inaction that L.C. took issue with. But I digress. Anyone who's seen an episode of The Hills knows that Audrina's special talent is looking listless and resembling a horse with implants. Oh, she's also going to appear (as herself) as a guest at The Inn on an episode of Do Not Disturb. Again, ugh.

Additionally, I've received word that LC will be penning a series of books based on her experience filming the show. OK, can we please stop with the meta already? She's chronicling her experience of filming a TV show that's supposed to chronicle her experience? For frigging reals? What in the goddamned hell is she going to tell us that we're not already seeing in the show? Or the tabs? Or the seemingly infinite "after-show" interviews that MTV provides after every single airing of the show? What is left? Does she lead some secret double life that we know nothing about? Maybe one that's actually, oh I dunno, marginally interesting? If she were smart, she'd have shorn her hair and tried out for the part that Simon Pegg nabbed in the upcoming How to Lose Friends And Alienate People. It's a theme she's familiar with at any rate, and it would require a little more of a stretch than her usual portrayal. Come to think of it, a trannie plotline is totally what The Hills needs to spice things up in an otherwise mindnumbingly dull season. Man, I hope I get creative credit for that. Don't say I never gave you anything, Lauren.

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