The Telefile
Bravo Upfront 2013: A Million New Shows

This morning, Bravo hosted an Upfronts breakfast where Flipping Out's Jeff Lewis told critics just how well Bravo was doing (after taking a few admittedly hilarious cruel shots at a few network alums, including a particularly sharp jab at Real Housewives of New York City's Alex and Simon for how desperate they are) and introduced several executives including, of course, Andy Cohen, to announce about the network's new line-up. Most of the new series blended together, and the sizzle real eventually turned into this one Saturday Night Live sketch:

Fortunately, out of Bravo's 17 new series -- yes, one-seven, while they currently have 18 on-air returning -- at least few shows feel less "We found this awful rich person" and more... well, "We found this kind of interesting rich person, who has only a few awful qualities." That counts as progress, right? In any case, here are the new series, listed in order of most to least promising:

Newlyweds: The First Year -- Debuts Monday, May 6
Sadly, this has nothing to do with Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica, but it does seem like a genuinely fun docu-series. Cameras followed four different couples as they navigated their first year of marriage, for all 365 days of the drama, which feels a bit off-brand, but in a good way; if Bravo is looking to change its image and integrate more quality reality content, this is potentially a great place to start. The trailer made me laugh out loud.

Princesses: Long Island -- Sunday, June 2
The title here is pretty self-explanatory, and now's probably a good time to tell you that I'm a young Jewish woman planning her wedding, lest you think that I do not realize how hard Bravo is pandering to my demographic. Also, Jewish-American Princesses have been a source of fascination in this country for a long time, and this gross little show has the potential to be my new You're Cut Off!. You can even make a game out of it, and see how long it takes you to shake your head at the promos.

Southern Charm -- TBD
Bravo swears this is a "contemporary Downton Abbey," but it's more accurately Wicked Single, only in Charleston, South Carolina, instead of South Boston. The cast looks delightfully douchey in an actually (hate-)watchable way.

Extreme Guide to Parenting -- Fall 2013
Basically Wife Swap without the swapping, and while I don't entirely see it succeeding on Bravo, I for one am always down for glimpses of crazy parenting.

Property Envy -- Summer 2013
Another confusing-yet-vaguely-intriguing choice for the cabler, this HGTV-meets-E! type of series has a panel of experts discuss luxury real estate and gawk at how much homes cost. It's pretty much House Hunters plus Fashion Police and will depend entirely on its hosts.

Divorce Diva (working title) -- TBD
"Mediator and adviser" Vikki Ziegler is essentially the Millionaire Matchmaker of divorce. Take with that what you will.

Two Fit Girls -- TBD
This one centers on two best friends and business partners, Katrina and Karena (what is this, The Bachelor?), who run the workout site Hopefully they're not as unbearable as the Silicon Valley gang.

Thicker Than Water: The Tankards -- Fall 2013
"These people are rich and they're ministers! Let's make them look as cartoonish as possible and turn the volume up really, really loud!"

Below Deck -- Summer 2013
Vanderpump Rules with yachts, minus Lisa. Yawn.

City Sisters -- Fall 2013
100 Days of Summer -- TBD
Eat, Drink, Love -- Summer 2013
Taking Atlanta (working title) -- Summer 2013 Ladies of London (working title) -- TBD

Typical Bravo series -- City Sisters is in New York, 100 is set in Chicago, Eat is in Los Angeles and focuses on go-getters trying to survive the restaurant industry, and both Atlanta and London are clear.

The Kandi Factory -- Tuesday, April 9
Fashion Queens

We've seen glimpses (if not full episodes) of these already on TV, and neither are worth watching, unless you dearly love the talent.

Courtney Loves Dallas -- TBD
Just what the world needed -- a Most Eligible Dallas spin-off.

There's also a few scripted projects in development: Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce is about a self-help book writer in Los Angeles; Heiresses is based on the upcoming novel from Pretty Little Liar and Lying Game's Sara Sheperd about a group of young girls who inherit a fortune and a murder mystery (why isn't this on ABC Family, again?); and High and Low is about competitive half-brothers in the '80s.

As for unscripted: Ivy League Confidential is about college admissions consultants and their pampered clients; America's Best Restaurant is modeled after Ramsay's Best Restaurant; and Rich People's Problems has Real Housewives of Atlanta's Phaedra Parks in a Judge Judy-type roll, maybe (I still can't really wrap my head around it, and choose not to).

And for scripted, the following have been renewed: Flipping Out, Tabatha Takes Over, Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles, Top Chef Masters, Million Dollar Listing New York, Shahs of Sunset, The Real Housewives of Miami, Chef Roble & Co, Vanderpump Rules, Interior Therapy with Jeff Lewis, Don't Be Tardy..., The Real Housewives of New Jersey (with all five women), The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, The Real Housewives of New York, Top Chef, Inside The Actors Studio (God bless you, James) and Watch What Happens Live. Oh, and expect way more interactive digital content, because that's not going anywhere.

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