The Telefile

Change is Coming… to the FCC!

by Odie Henderson October 29, 2008 10:38 am
Change is Coming… to the FCC!

Next week's election may change the way you watch TV and movies. With the new administration comes a new chairperson for the Federal Communications Commission. The FCC is the organization that freaks out at two seconds of TV titty, but has no problem with four-hour boner commercials. Variety reports on what each Presidential candidate may do regarding both the FCC and some intellectual property actions at the MPAA. I'll leave you to read that; instead, I have my own predictions on what will happen.

Obama Wins: Pressure from Hillary to get Bill out of her house leads the Dems to promoting him head of the FCC. As a result, Showtime's The L Word is now on the Disney Channel, and radio shows play uncensored rap and Prince's F-word laden Erotic City at 8 AM. Parents freak out, and Bill is fired from the FCC and hired to run the MPAA. He cracks down on Internet piracy but has a slight problem rating movies.

Hillary: Bill, how the hell can you give I Saw Who You Did Last Summer, Wet Dream on Elm Street and The Secret Life of the Birds and the Bees PG-13 ratings?!

Bill: Aw, Hillary! Everybody should be able to see these features! I mean look at those gigundous ti--

Hillary: BILL!!

McCain Wins: The Republicans hire Mike Huckabee to head the FCC. As an example of foreign policy, séances are held to get advice from the very British ghost of Mary Whitehouse (look her up folks -- she's a pip!). 30 Rock, and every other television appearance by Tina Fey, is now rated TV-MA, and reruns of Murder She Wrote and Matlock replace the entire Fox Animation Domination block. McCain also cracks down on Internet piracy, but the MPAA has to add new descriptions to their ratings: Example: "Rated R for celebrity and socialism." Beyoncé is also banned from the airways due to that song where she sings "To the left, to the left..."

In all seriousness, no matter who gets elected, we may have a more censored TV future. "Sen. Jay Rockefeller (D-W.Va.) [is] ascending to chairmanship of the Senate Commerce Committee," reports Variety. "Rockefeller has been vocal about the need for tighter regulation of not only indecent content on TV but also violence." "Curses!" say I.




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